the half open heart…
October 26, 2010
my view from the couch
Thank God for Ben Folds…how does he always know what to say? He has a song for every shadow thought I’ve ever had. All day I’ve been listening to this song . I let myself kind of feel everything dark for just a little while…while slowly soaking in the thought that I’ve stood on both ends of the song.
It seems that whenever my own crap creeps to the surface, my instinct is to very quickly shut the doors of my heart. Throw down that lock to wait out the dark, because to feel it, to see it, to really look at it is so damn hard…so awkward, so un-doing, so humbling, so human. I try to avoid humanity apparently, which only ends up exposing just how human I really am. So the work before me recently has been to open the door, to push it open, to stand in the door way and be kind of undone.
I am exhausted, but half the door is open and that is good enough for now. I must do it…I must because…
I refuse to believe that people can’t change.
I refuse to believe we can’t forgive each other.
I refuse to believe that conflict can’t lead to very genuine and sometimes vulnerable honesty that produces compassion and understanding.
I refuse to believe we are meant to stay in this place.
I refuse to believe that there is no kindness magic.
I refuse to believe that love can not cover every hurting place in our hearts, even that which is deep and unseen.
I refuse to believe kindness can not change everything…
and so this door, even half open, will show me everything I need to know. and more…
what do you refuse to believe?