August 16, 2012
It didn’t start off that great, it was terrible actually. How do you start your 14th anniversary and 20 years together with a fight? Well, we did. There was a cloud of disappointment surrounding me and a funk, a deep funk. These are usually the things I write about after everything is sorted out and the beauty of reflection and grace have shared their kind light.
We hadn’t had a bad or so-so anniversary in a long, long time so I figured we were due…because when you have an old love, it’s just part of the deal. You ride high waves and crash in them too, or you climb really big mountains and then lay in the valleys. It just is and things feel less dramatic as you go along because you know you can lean into love, even if it isn’t always pretty.
I was disappointed we never have any money at this time of year, we suck at money and planning ahead and once again we celebrate, but not ever in the way I imagine this love deserves. …and then I feel so ungrateful, like a selfish jerk for not being content with what is. …and Jorge may be the most laid back man on the planet who loves deeply and is happy anywhere as long as we are together. Isn’t that so annoying and so wonderful?
…and of course there was more, more junk in my own heart that has nothing to do with anniversaries, just my own fucked-upness. I kept thinking, “This day can’t be this, it just can’t be.” …but I couldn’t quite recover either. So I didn’t even try, I just cried and laid it all out, all of my own junk on the table. Some of it was about of him, but most was not.
…and he awkwardly picked it up. Each ugly piece. Some he didn’t know what to do with, others he knew just what to say, some he just sort of helplessly stared at…with so much love.
But I realized this is what love warriors do, because you don’t always know, you can’t always see each other clearly…but you keep fighting for your love and for each other…quietly, boldly, fumbling, in all the wrong and right ways, reaching, holding tight.
Then it was okay, not perfect, but a quiet peace fell over me….and I let it hold me.
I love you Jorge Salgado, with all I am and hope to be.
-your love warrior