where is the love?

October 11, 2004

we jumped in the car almost an hour late for school this morning. it was cool and sun was shining, a most perfect day. jack had on josiah’s hand me downs and looked so cute. there is something about clothing in retrospect, like now that they are hand me downs the oufits go together better. the worn clothes have known happiness, and lots of serious play. it’s the history or something, i don’t know. but jack looks different in them, he has made them his own and they say something totally different. i love this…

i was feeling a little pensive after a weekend of working on the zine. it is close, very close to being done. so close that you can almost start to believe you might actually finish something you set out to do. not a task like the dishes, or even taking a trip you always imagined. it’s more like fulfilling a wish from your soul. it’s exhilarating and also a little bit scary. i just kept thinking, “damn, maybe it’s too jesusy”. this is on my mind because i’m getting phone calls from jen who is on a trip with an old friend from christian college. my, things have changed, and it’s hard. i just don’t want to be misunderstood, is my heart conveyed? and then it just hits me…misunderstood? i don’t even understand myself!

my old faith was so easy. you followed the rules, you did it the best you possibly could. there was lots of guilt and shame but there was also a weird peace and commonness. i loved the peace but hated the guilt. i loved someone understanding my love for my faith but hated the judgment.

so i shed most of it and this new faith, it’s so hard. there is so much more grey, sometimes i’m not sure what i believe or what is true. this faith calls me to action, i can’t just follow the rules. i question almost everything and sometimes feel more alone but my world is so much deeper. it requires all of me. it’s about so much more.

but the busyness of the morning only allows so much contemplation and reflection. it’s back to trying to fasten wiggly boys into car seats and making promises of park adventures after school.

i turn on the car and the music is loud. jorge left it on when he went to buy pizza the night before. it’s the black-eyed peas, thank you god, a sermon for my weary soul.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder

As I’m gettin’ older, y’all, people gets colder

Most of us only care about money makin’

Selfishness got us followin’ our wrong direction

Wrong information always shown by the media

Negative images is the main criteria

Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria

Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinemaYo’,

whatever happened to the values of humanity

Whatever happened to the fairness in equality

Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity

Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity

That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin’ under

That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin’ down

There’s no wonder why sometimes I’m feelin’ under

Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found

Now ask yourself

Where is the love?

i put all the windows down and sung my heart out on the chippenham parkway.

“josiah, this is the music for our day buddy!”

jack is bobbing his head up and down to the beat. i’ve heard this song a million times but the blessing was great today. it’s okay, i don’t have to be understood, i just have to share my soul. i gotta keep my faith alive until love is found.

maybe i don’t have to ditch the hand me downs of my faith, maybe i mix them with new clothes to make them my own. maybe i just keep trying them on until they fit, until they are mine…

3 Responses to “where is the love?”

  1. jen lemen Says:

    how long, how long my soul, will you be tormented by the secretness of this blog?

    as usual, i love this post. you’re writing my daily meditations and my spirit is buoyed because of it.

    thank you pache!!!! i hope you get a million accidental hits and they all find you anyway.

  2. Kate Says:

    I can honestly say I have never heard this phrase before now:

    “damn, maybe it’s too jesusy”.

  3. patience Says:

    there’s more where that came from chica! 🙂

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