Kindnessgirl

“It’s my very first Halloween costume.” Jorge said.

“Really?” I replied.

“Well, except the one year my mom did let me dress up as a cowboy but I barely remember it.”
he explained.

It explained a lot actually. It explains why he was so excited this morning, pouring over the tiniest details of his Village People construction worker costume for work. He was so engrossed in trimming his blond wig that we were 40 minutes late for school. How could I stay mad? He was following his Halloween bliss.

and I decided I should too….so I got 10 of the 300 pumpkins in my front yard (another story entirely) and wrote messages on them. Lyra (on her first GG mission) and I put them all over our city.

don’t give up

it will be…

you are awesome! (it’s true)

you are beautiful…

my favorite was “believe in love” but I couldn’t get a decent picture.

Enjoy the candy goodwill tonight my friends! May guerrilla kindness find you soon wherever you are…

jorge, lucy and shadows

“I like this side of you, it’s edgy and kind of desperate.” my sister said referring to my postpartum self.

My work since I turned 30 has been to discover new parts of me, live them, rejoice in them, in some cases grieve them, make peace and accept all that I am. The shadow side being my least favorite and most needed to take me to new places.  Can you live in the shadow? I guess it just means the light is shining on you from somewhere and maybe the shadows aren’t so scary or bad after all.

She isn’t my easiest baby. Screaming erupts when she can not feel my heartbeat. Her body is constantly close to mine, we are in the fourth trimester. I am tired and completely touched out but I hear myself saying over and over again in my mind, “but she is my baby.” I instinctively know how precious this time is and I’m willing to do almost anything for her.

It seems everyone feels this way as they look at Lyra in sheer adoration and wait patiently for their turn to hold her. I imagine what it must be like to be the object of such love. It’s like a puppy that never grows up.

My mom reminds me of the days when I was the baby before my younger sister came. My older sisters dressed me, sang songs and read books to me for hours on end.

We all had a time when every little cry was settled and every smile celebrated. A time when arms were all we knew. I can’t help but think there are still parts of us that are like a tiny baby, still needing such intense love to grow. These parts are longing to be cradled and nurtured. Some of us have given it to ourselves while others have screamed, cried and required it from those closest to us. Either way, we must not leave, ignore or put off the tiniest part inside for it is the most precious and deserves all the love it can hold.

If you are going to have to take your 10 day old into the hospital for rapid breathing here are the things to be so thankful for…

a mother who happens to be visiting at the moment and someone who your children absolutely adore, which means no worries at home

a sister who writes a post for you even though she is pregnant, sick and exhausted

a dear friend who happens to work at the very unit you are sent to and calls ahead to make sure you get rock star treatment

getting a very cool doctor who takes the least invasive approach and calms your every fear

getting another very cool doctor who works the night shift and hangs out to shoot the shit with you while you talk extensively about birth

another sister who reminds you it’s okay to cry

dear friends who fill your phone with text messages of light and hope

coming home to the yummiest meal from the kindest friend who always gives all of her heart

yet another sister who you can discuss all things medical with, her nursing mind giving you the 411- no holds barred

people who pray and light candles

very kind nurses who are hopeful and positive, and treat your baby like a person

a deeper love for your own bed and home

a wise friend who brings you yummy tofu and shrinks you through the experience

finding out you don’t have to stay the full 72 hours as first told

a relief to find your baby girl is just fine and all is well with her health

a very tired mama who is happy that feeling exhausted is the only thing she has to worry about tonight

There are times when I wish my kids had cell phones so I could call them on the way to school and say, “Ughh…I’m sorry I was such an ass this morning.” Like I do with my husband. I just sent Jack off for the day almost crying over Jack just being Jackie-boy.

Slow, incredibly slow, blissfully unaware, totally living and engaged in the very second he is in…all the things that make me a little crazy at times are the same things that make him one of the dearest souls on the planet.

I clearly need to get back in bed and sleep with a baby. So I shall…

and if you are one of my dear friends/family that I feel horrible about not connecting with right now, please know it is not indicative of my love for you. I can’t turn my brain off to stop thinking about you and feel like a loser for not calling so I finally turned my phone off yesterday as Jorge had told me to do for the 5,000th time. I’m really trying to actually hibernate (even in my head). Hope to resurface sometime next week…peace until then.