love warriors…

August 16, 2012

It didn’t start off that great, it was terrible actually. How do you start your 14th anniversary and 20 years together with a fight? Well, we did. There was a cloud of  disappointment surrounding me and a funk, a deep funk. These are usually the things I write about after everything is sorted out and the beauty of reflection and grace have shared their kind light.

We hadn’t had a bad or so-so anniversary in a long, long time so I figured we were due…because when you have an old love, it’s just part of the deal. You ride high waves and crash in them too, or you climb really big mountains and then lay in the valleys. It just is and things feel less dramatic as you go along because you know you can lean into love, even if it isn’t always pretty.

I was disappointed we never have any money at this time of year, we suck at money and planning ahead and once again we celebrate, but not ever in the way I imagine this love deserves. …and then I feel so ungrateful, like a selfish jerk for not being content with what is. …and Jorge may be the most laid back man on the planet who loves deeply and is happy anywhere as long as we are together. Isn’t that so annoying and so wonderful?

…and of course there was more, more junk in my own heart that has nothing to do with anniversaries, just my own fucked-upness. I kept thinking, “This day can’t be this, it just can’t be.” …but I couldn’t quite recover either. So I didn’t even try, I just cried and laid it all out, all of my own junk on the table. Some of it was about of him, but most was not.

…and he awkwardly picked it up. Each ugly piece. Some he didn’t know what to do with, others he knew just what to say, some he just sort of helplessly stared at…with so much love.

But I realized this is what love warriors do, because you don’t always know, you can’t always see each other clearly…but you keep fighting for your love and for each other…quietly, boldly, fumbling, in all the wrong and right ways, reaching, holding tight.

Then it was okay, not perfect, but a quiet peace fell over me….and I let it hold me.

I love you Jorge Salgado, with all I am and hope to be. 

-your love warrior

19 Responses to “love warriors…”

  1. Maria Holme Says:

    You are a gift! to share so openly…Thank You!

  2. This so beautifully expresses what a love partnership really is. It’s not always pretty, but it’s always worth fighting for. Thanks for sharing, and congratulations on another year of living in love.

  3. lifewithkaishon Says:

    So sweet.

  4. Beautiful and AGREED, you show us what LOVE really is, not the Hallmark, Hollywood image so many aspire for and never achieve, because That love isn’t Real.
    And Congratulations! and HUG!

  5. Casey Says:

    Thank you for being so real and sharing this. It came to my eyes at the most perfect time and really hit home with a situation in my home last week…as if all my words and feelings were expressed exactly here. So wonderful of you to share!

  6. Cindy Says:

    WOW! I knew you could express yourself, but this is over the top beautiful. To have such insight into your thoughts and feelings. WOW! So proud to say I’m a friend, even though we have never met… WOW….

  7. Marnie G Says:

    beautiful and real. thanks, once again it takes courage.

  8. So well said, your writing is truly a gift 🙂 I can relate in many ways.Sometimes it’s hard to pull myself out of a “funk” I seem to be looking for how I got there when all I need to do is choose not to be there anymore. Easier said then done but practice makes perfect. I think big, and want grand things for anniversaries etc but my hubs is just happy to be together…similarities. I have been reading The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and it’s pretty dang amazing. I was reading this morning and it talks about love and how it’s a verb, it’s action, it’s doing it doesn’t just happen. You have that in your marriage it’s clear from reading this. I am not as talented a writer as you but just wanted to say I have really enjoyed reading your posts. Thanks for being so open and yet it’s not TMI great balance. Happy anniversary!

  9. Danyelle Says:

    fucked-upness….I know that feeling too 🙂 You are really brave to share so openly

  10. jules423 Says:

    Yes, Patience, I can so relate to what you are saying. I will be married to my husband for 25 years on September 5. I like the concept of the love warrior, for our relationship has been in a very dark place for 3 years, and each day I pray that things will get better because despite the extremely dark valleys of our marriage, I still actually care about his welfare and in his own alcoholic way, he still does for me. I think more than anything, I am at the place where I am just standing still in all this chaos. I do know that he is contemplating those 25 years, and what it means in this day and age to still be together despite all of the total crap that has happened. I like the fucked-upness too – fits my situation to a T. Thanks for that candidness. I needed it today as we approach a milestone wedding anniversary and I look back and know that there was much good during those years and yes it has been harder than anything I could even image the past 3, but there is always hope and nothing is impossible.

  11. Kelly Says:

    Patrick and I celebrated 19 years of marriage and 25 years of being love warriors. We keep fighting the good fight…despite the fucked-upness we both fabulously display. Something worth celebrating, I’d say.

  12. Linda M Says:

    It’s those moments in relationship when you think you’re going to die, when you can’t believe that anyone could get through this, when you are sure that it’s over, when words are difficult and you choose to put it all out there … one incoherent, sniveling, my heart is breaking word at a time. Those moments make the relationship grow into amazing. Thank you for expressing that so eloquently. You are amazing.

  13. Thank you I needed this as I had alot of junk to sort out also!

  14. yes…that is exactly what our best friends and lovers do———–love all our fuckedupness and then some……..thanks for sharing and give your man a big ole hug or something something this morning just because……happy anniversary…..14 even on a fucked up day is something to celebrate…mountains, valleys, joy and tears and even—junk days…

  15. The Smile Scavenger Says:

    Hello Patience! 1) Beautiful post. My partner and I have been together for almost 4 years and we had our first “big fight” recently. This post really sums up about how it went, except she was the really rational, level-headed one. 2) I love your blog and nominated you for the 7 Things award so that if you want to, you can share 7 random things about yourself. 🙂

  16. Jennifer Says:

    Jiminy crickets….your words encourage deep breaths and facilitate me just sitting with myself in all that f- upedness glory. As always, thank you for sharing. You bring me closer to real.

  17. Annie Delgado Says:

    Thanks Patience for sharing a side I’ve never seen of you. We are human like everyone else. Marriage is a promise that no matter what happens; you are in it together. Congratulations!

  18. Brenda Says:

    Love this…that’s all…love, love, love it.

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