hollywood tantrums and making friends with the dark…
April 14, 2013
“Mom, you just said something nice about the new house, I am so proud of you!” my new teenager said.
“Oh MY GOD, I did?! I didn’t mean it, I take it back.” I replied.
I am finding it’s one thing to make hopeful declarations and another thing to have to actually live in the Old Trashy House. There has been more than one Hollywood tantrum (as my sister calls them) this week…and maybe a few Anne of Green Gables “depths of despair” crying moments as well. I know it’s one of those times that I will return to years from now and wonder how I ever could have been such a brat, or maybe I’ll be evolved enough to remember myself in kindness and love that dear girl because everything made sense after all.
I wake up every morning and desperately miss the view of the sun rising and watching the pink light creep up the walls to fill the old magic house so easily, with no effort at all. I keep looking for the light here, both literally and figuratively. I see how much the old place and people kept me going, how the light was held for me… and this just isn’t that. Even so, while I kick and scream, I am discovering there is something about the dark.
It’s the kind of dark where you finally say you don’t think you can do something and you acknowledge the need for a light that carries you in a new way, or you must sort of struggle and sit in the dark before the light comes to rescue you or you find your own. Or maybe no rescue is needed at all, maybe the dark is the way. The need or the one thing that makes you unlovable may just be the thing that takes you where you are meant to be or go. It may be in this honesty with ourselves that we find the way…and each other.
…and I am finding that our kindness doesn’t have to come from the best part of ourselves, it can come from our pain, our healing, the darkest places of who we are…because those are the the birth places of our humanity and the exact places we are all connected.
In some strange way even while it’s still shitty and hard, this lets me sigh, a deep sigh…as I make friends with the dark.
Kindnessgirl 
April 14, 2013 at 7:00 am
A quote for you from one of my favorite Barenaked Ladies songs:
“You gotta kick at the darkness ’til it bleeds daylight”
Thank you for your kindness and braveness – you inspire me 🙂
April 14, 2013 at 7:09 am
Light will shine through the darkness…you must believe, and sometimes we must create it. I believe in you Patience. Through your writing I have grown to know a strong and determined person. One of love, kindness and perseverance. All that you have given to others, is now ready to come back to you. Know that the love and support of your blogging community will carry you through the darkness, for as long as you need. Hugs of strength to you.
Maria~
April 14, 2013 at 8:19 am
Thank you! Bravely written and so very timely. I never thought about making peace with the darkness, as we always shoo it away. Those moments and parts of ourselves, deserve our love and acceptance too.
April 14, 2013 at 8:24 am
I completely understand, I am always seeking light in my home. I chuckle, because when the light streams in, I think “it is so dusty in here.” ItI reminds me to be satisfied, and still, with what I have. I love your honest observation and feel confident it is you who will bring light to your home, in so many ways.
April 14, 2013 at 8:45 am
With your gift for making exquisite treasures – be them out of dollar store finds or natural disasters – I have no doubt this new house is already filled with magic. Without the darkness after all, we can’t see the light. You’ll find yours soon. I know it!
April 14, 2013 at 9:23 am
hey, you are really brave to write this down and share with all of us. That being said – remember that this is just a move – yeah a move you did NOT want to make which makes it even worse – but after your next good Hollywood tantrum (I will have to use that one buy the way) – try to get some prospective – just for a minute or two…like you didn’t have to move while in a wheelchair, you didn’t have to move because you child needed to be closer to the hospital for her Kemo treatments right?? – – Those are things I know I would not be strong enough to get through – – but a crappy move – you will work thru this and slowly see the good.
April 14, 2013 at 9:40 am
Bless you Patience and be so very gentle with yourself. What you have recently done and are adjusting to is indeed very, very hard. It’s so OK to find it hard. Love to you. Marianne
April 14, 2013 at 9:48 am
This is a beautiful sharing. Thank you for reminding me that there is beauty even in the things we think of as bad.
April 14, 2013 at 10:38 am
Thank you for your thoughtful reminder that change is often hard. It seems your kindness continues to blossom – isn’t it wonderful that our children can help us see the light and the good in the world! Out of the mouths of babes….. perhaps you are beginning to make new magic…
April 14, 2013 at 10:41 am
…and I am finding that our kindness doesn’t have to come from the best part of ourselves, it can come from our pain, our healing, the darkest places of who we are…because those are the the birth places of our humanity and the exact places we are all connected.
you are an amazing writer…..Naomi Shihab Nye poem says it will follow you like a shadow or a friend.. kindness ….it is following you on an adventure where you get to create a beautiful life that is different from the one you just left but the same Imagination will seep in the cracks and bring light and joy with all the abundant resources of love you brought with you…House needs a new name as YOUR new frame.
this is your chance to be in the world and the kids grow as a blink of an eye make some magic……
April 14, 2013 at 8:16 pm
I know God is shining on you through your beautiful thoughts and words. You have a gift for sharing your thoughts in a universal relatable way. I hope you feel sheltered and nourished in this figurative darkness. After all, it is always darkest before dawn. Thank you for your wisdom and the heart to share it.
April 15, 2013 at 6:53 am
God knew you done what you had set out to do… bring your neighborhood together and spread kindness throughout. Now it’s time to start again. A new neighborhood has called to you. It needs a person like you there. Spread your love Patience! That is what you do best! Spread the love!
April 19, 2013 at 4:52 am
An interesting post, thank you 🙂 Made me think of a quote by a well respected Buddhist Monk, Ajahn Sumedho.
“Everything is the dharma (truth), it all belongs: Even the difficult things and difficult aspects of ourselves. We bring lovingkindness to them and by recognizing them we see the insubstantiality of all things and respond appropriately from this wisdom of heart and mind.”