body obsession

June 28, 2004

i have recently become totally obsessed with my body. not in a Mary Kate Olsen sort of way but you can imagine. this is the girl who never wears make-up, my hair continually in a pony tail and throws on the t-shirt laying on the floor along with my favorite pair of faded blue jeans. flip-flops are not only a girl’s best friend, they are a way of life.

jorge gets obsessed with getting fit two times a year, it usually lasts around 2 months and then a lapse until the next time. i figure it’s better to keep trying even if it doesn’t always last than doing nothing at all. it’s kinda like when you go to camp or a retreat when you are in jr. high and it’s super emotional (imagine me mockingly singing a chorus of- “we are standing for jesus”), you have changed your life forever, you are fired up, into it…. and then like a month later it’s back to the jr. high drama. but you really meant it man, you felt it, you wanna change…each time i did take a little something and over time it added up for me so I guess all the actions didn’t matter as much as my heart wanting it. my heart kept me going back.

But my spiritual life and my physical well being are two totally different things, well sort of. i mean my commitment to ice cream and laying on the couch watching movies has been very spiritual at certain points in my life. 🙂 i’m tryin’ to say that reflecting and pondering my spiritual journey are deeply ingrained in me, treadmills and the weight bench are not. poor body image, however, is definitely in the top ten of my daily thoughts. i have always been tall and somewhat thin, worked out sporadically like jorge, but have never had a passion for it.

we started working out in january together, my original goal was to become a milf, something my husband told me i already was but you know with the poor body image and everything, yada, yada, yada. i found myself not really enjoying it in the beginning but not hating it either. jorge’s extra weight was flying off, and i was still elipiticalling my ass off – not literally. not much physical change in the first few weeks, this was unusual for me. in the past i would work out for like 2 seconds and my body would tighten right up. i blame it ( i mean celebrate) on birthing my 2 amazing kids. for some strange reason i kept going, six months later i’m 20 lbs. lighter and more than on my way to a six pack. fitter than ever, but i busted my ass to get here- 5-6 days a week, cardio, weights, the whole enchilada.

i find myself looking into tanning salons, buying new clothes, shaving my legs more, buying those silly teeth whitening kits, critiquing celebrities and reading fitness magazines. this disturbs me a little- don’t get me wrong, i needed to step it up a notch (or 2 or 3) in taking care of my body. what bugs me is how i still have that nagging body image issue, i’m still so critical. i’m very proud of my hard work this time but i still constantly play the comparison game in my head. i have no idea what it will take for me to think i am the shit. it feels so shallow and silly. i don’t really know how to solve this problem but it feels good to get it out of my head and on paper. okay, now I really sound like a jr. high girl…maybe I just need to go to a summer camp (or maybe like 10) for body acceptance…

2 Responses to “body obsession”

  1. patience Says:

    so after catching the Dr. Phil episode yesterday (I usually hate him) and a random compliment from josiah, i’m feeling better.

    “mama, you are so beautiful. you look really good.”

    this, in a very matter a fact tone.

    i know i have to come to a place where i love my body no matter what it looks like. this issue is much deeper than getting a six pack. ahhh, more therapy…

  2. Anonymous Says:

    hang in there pache, you’ll figure it out.

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