one of those mothers…

August 23, 2004

thompson street. where the hell is thompson street? the clock reads 7:08 on my sad little car, i’m late and still lost. what was the name of that church again? i reach for my scribbled on paper and try to make out my chicken scratch. i catch a glance in the rear view mirror to see josiah happily drinking from his sippy cup looking around to see where his slightly crazy mother is taking him next.

ahhh…there it is. trinity lutheran, there are plenty of cars, this must be it. i grab my sweet baby who is looking less like a baby and more like a toddler everyday and walk into my local la leche league chapter meeting. i walk in hoping to find some answers to the questions that keep me up at night. the questions that seem so big and heavy in my mind as a mother, this is my answer.

lots of slings and very tiny babies, there are other moms that look like me- a little tired and worn out yet happy to be in the company of other women. there is a feel of escape in the room, like everyone has arrived in a safe place and would like to camp out for the night. the leaders are warm and kind and offer gentle suggestions and genuine support. but i have an uncommon problem and the oldest kid in the room and i leave feeling a little less than, not quite getting what i needed but happy to have made a connection.

almost a year later, a similar scenario, but a different meeting. i’m on my way to an alternative birth support meeting. josiah’s legs dangle down past the seat. he is most definitely a toddler and still wondering where his slightly crazy and i should add pregnant mother is taking him. we walk in to find more slings but also older children. i am anticipating drawing from the wisdom of parenting in the room. the meeting ends and i make a beeline for a woman named brandy, a mother of four, simple and kind. my mind is racing, i just want to pick her brain. how did you do this? what do you think of that? i try not to overwhelm her for i would like a friendship with the woman, it’s too early to show her i’m a little crazy. she perceives this and reminisces with me about her early motherhood.

“oh, i can remember when emma was that age, you’re so touched out right?”

“oh my gosh, yes . how did you wean her?”

“ummm, well she eventually weaned herself when kyle was born.”

i’m thinking, how exactly- what did you do exactly and how did you make it until then? she can’t really recall but throws out a few suggestions. i need a fool proof plan, something concrete that i can do and is guaranteed to work. i gather the gold nuggets of wisdom in my mind and get ready to leave when brandy says the wisest thing yet, “you’ll find your way patience.”

damn. one of those mothers…it was like asking my gram who was married to my pop for 65 years for marriage advice. “well, you love each other and don’t go to bed angry and follow the lord.” the kind of advice that is non-advice leaving you to find your own way. it feels utterly tortuous in the mean time. the nice thing you realize along the way is that no one has the answers but you aren’t alone. many have gone before you and helped to pave the way. and that’s all we really need in the end, a listening ear and encouragement that we have in us the very thing we are seeking. the ability to be the mothers our children need, i have been called, called to josiah and jack and they to me.

so this week someone asked me a mothering question and without even thinking i said,

“oh that ‘s hard, i remember when josiah was that age.” i gave similar suggestions and thought in my head, “she’ll find her way.” and she will. wow, i’ve just become one of those mothers…

2 Responses to “one of those mothers…”

  1. Simi Says:

    But you’ve always been so wise, Pache…

  2. patience Says:

    aww…i don’t know about that but thanks simi! the feelings mutual.

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