words on repeat…

October 26, 2012

The words on repeat in my head until I believe them…you see, I told you all I am going to write a book. The funny part is right after I let the words hit the air, everything sort of fell apart. It’s kind of hard to take on one of the biggest dreams of your life when you are exhausted, when you have painted yourself in a corner in every direction, when you still suck at saying “no” to projects and commit way over your head*…when your head is telling you all kinds of untruths about yourself, when parts of you really need some healing.

…but apparently, I am told by my writing doula Chris, that this is often how it goes…it’s the perseverance mountain climb of your entire existence and you just have to keep showing up. So I tried in the beginning but I was just still too into all the projects I said I would do…so I did them and cried a lot, and my husband (and the mother superiors in my life) helped me sort through the untruths and a really low time wondering what the hell I was doing, then a few small miracles happened… and now here I am.

Things are still sort of rocky, and I am still very soul tired…but the beautiful thing is that kindness can find you wherever you are…even the places that feel so unreachable in your heart.

A while back, my friend Kaycee offered her home to me so I could write…I jumped at her offer and completely forgot about it.  Before I knew it, I was driving here…alone for 3 days- that is the longest I have ever been by myself in my entire life. 

So much kindness and beauty was waiting for me here…so now I show up…for myself for a bit…in the quiet…hoping the words will come.

p.s. i have missed you all…thank you for being my friends. 

*i really wanted to do all those projects…i just said yes to too many at one time. 

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10 Responses to “words on repeat…”

  1. Tam Says:

    Dearest Patience, You needn’t worry about the projects you want to do because if you don’t do them right now they’ll be there when your number 1 project is done – which is your book, which is badly needed and everything else can wait. Trust me. Consider the “other” projects a treat – a reward when you finish the book. Believe you me – projects don’t leave your list ever until you finish them – and now that you’ve uncovered your book project with the magic pen that reveals the hidden words you can’t hide from it – it’s there waiting for you. Welcome it in with a cup of tea and a warm hello like you do with all your projects that are distinctly yours. Make friends with it and off you go to enjoy your book writing project – it’ll all be over sooner than you think and you’ll miss it and want to write another! I believe in you because I know you from your writing.

  2. Daniel Says:

    I am trying to put together a book myself. I know that it is hard sometime, yet refreashing. Keep going you well enjoy the journey.
    PEACE

  3. Beckey Says:

    This will be a grand get-away and whether the words come or not, the precious peace and quiet will heal your heart and soul. Enjoy every minute and let yourself fall into this time as you have embraced kindness, kindness will in turn, embrace you.

  4. Saharajinni Says:

    You can do this!!!! Sometimes its hard to start but once that ball starts rolling …. its all good!

  5. anne Says:

    well you already know what I have to say about this my dear girl…..just know that I have rubbed on my angel more than a few times since the other morning. Love you, Mother Abbess 🙂

  6. pathwriter Says:

    Much love is wafting its way to you from many directions. You can do this. 🙂

  7. Miriam Says:

    Patience,

    How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! Just don’t stop moving forward, no matter how slow the pace. Eventually you will have a book in your hands. The secret is to keep moving forward! I forget this a lot.

  8. Jennifer Says:

    It takes as long as it takes Patience. I know too well the difficulty of saying “no,” of feeling so great in the moment when you agree to these things and the drowning, despairing feeling when it all starts to overwhelm you. Right now it sounds like you are practicing self kindness, which is not only not selfish, but necessary. You must be replenished with self-love and care before you can freely give kindness to others. So feed your soul and remember…small moves…it’s going to be okay. You are so loved!


  9. What a gift — to have that opportunity to write in a peaceful atmosphere. I hope you enjoy it.
    I love that point about how you have to keep showing up. Someone else told me that recently. It’s so true! Keep showing up Patience.

  10. Brenda Says:

    Yay you!!! 🙂 I love that you drove to write….actually, some of my best writing comes from the thinking I do while I’m driving…hope that works for you too…love to you and your sweet family…we will all be here when your book comes out…cheering louder than you’d really ever want us to…and ready to do whatever projects you think up…because that’s just how we roll…the Patience supporters are patient…please be kind to you during this process!! {{{{{Hugs}}}


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