Kindnessgirl

I met Emily on the playground at preschool one day because sages of all kinds hang around trees, old benches, and a good slide. I heard she was wise and intuitive but had yet to experience it for myself. We exchanged pleasantries but it wasn’t long before she was able to rearrange the thoughts in my head and began to turn some new stones I didn’t even know were there. She shared her best stuff and then our paths rarely crossed again.

Her message was simple and true. Wait for what you really want, you are worthy of it. I knew she was right but the truth felt out of my reach. I did not yet feel worthy… I wasn’t educated enough, I didn’t have enough experience, I wasn’t sure I had the gifts I wanted to give to the world. I was committed to trying to earn my worth.

Not only that but I had to fund my kindness work, bills to pay, clothes for growing boys to buy, and I wanted to eat fruit and produce in the dead of winter. These are the tiny things mothers care about and take even the crappiest jobs for.

I accepted the position I was telling her about that day, it was directly against her advice. I knew she was right. I was good at my job but had so much conflict over my work. The people I worked with were good and kind but I didn’t share all of the same values. Everyday I was growing further from the few we did. I was pretending to be something I wasn’t and was tortured in my heart.

I told myself various stories and constantly gave serious pep talks to help me through. As time went by, it became hard to believe my stories and then even harder to go at all. I was miserable and Emily’s words were haunting me.

Jorge kindly let me off the hook to quit, willing to pick up my slack. I’m sure he could hear no more of my inner dialogue. It wasn’t until he got a new job that I could see my window of opportunity. We wouldn’t make enough money but I knew this big life change was my chance. I should have quit before but I was too chicken. I knew I would not have lasted much longer either way.

It was the deep end, the very deep end. There was no money for my kindness work or at least the work I had known. All the little extras suddenly felt like extreme luxuries. There really wasn’t enough for just the day to day living and yet I was still so relieved I did not have to work at my old job. I was worried, very worried at times, but started each morning asking myself, “What do you want to do today?”. I don’t think I really knew. I discovered it wasn’t nearly as complicated as I had anticipated. I started feeding my soul with cooking, taking long walks and short runs, playing mama slam, going to the river,writing, hustling for mindless and fun temporary jobs, breathing. Maybe I finally felt worthy of the life I was already living.

So that brings me to a week ago….I pulled open the big heavy glass doors and walked to the front desk. I gave my name and waited. I looked up at the ceiling that seemed to go on forever. As I got into the elevator I started to get the feeling that this was big, bigger to me than the wise women (my future bosses) in the conference room would ever know. Bigger than even I could wrap my mind around. I listened as they shared their vision for me and my sister’s. It wasn’t so much that the job was important or the feeling that we just signed the record deal of the century, it was that I had never felt so connected, so at home. All the things I have believed and cared about for children were floating around the room. The deep end didn’t seem so deep anymore, it is just the beginning…