Kindnessgirl

I have 2 modes of operating in pregnancy. Deny and Defy. I pretty much spend the first 12-20 weeks in complete disbelief that I am actually pregnant. I think for sure it won’t stick because I never get sick- horrible, I know, but its probably some deep seeded self protection from a long ago miscarriage.

When I decide I am in fact, well, pregnant, I then spend the rest of the time trying to defy it.

“Of course I can move the refrigerator, I’m pregnant, not dead.”

“Run a couple miles at 32 weeks, yeah, sure. Lift weights on the 6th day of the 39th week? totally.”

“Come on, the women in the fields had babies and kept on goin’? Why can’t I?”

“and yes, I will be wearing my bikini until the bitter end.”

It’s quite obvious I’ve been failing beautifully at pregnancy for quite some time now. I hear from Anne Lamott that all kinds of amazing things spring from failure. Everything seems different this time, the opportunity to claim a different way lies so clearly in front of me. My expertise in failure has primed me for a hopeful start to change.

Lessons learned so far:

1. Denial is sort of a joke on me…the connections are there far sooner than I ever imagined. It takes me one little scare to realize just how much I care and have all along. It’s okay to love too soon.

2. Pregnancy calls me to be very present in my body, in the moment, in the experience. Sometimes, this is (literally) a pain in the ass, but other moments it is almost sacred.

3. Vulnerability is my friend, not a foe. She makes us human and creates opportunities for nurture. Pride can make you miss out on acts of kindness and love you really need. Strength is not always something to be admired especially when it stands in the way of growth.

4 . Receiving is almost important as giving…it levels the playing field and requires that we all rely on each other.

5. It’s good to bask in “my delicate condition”- doors being opened for you, fuss over how you are feeling, rest, concern and care…these are to be welcomed and savored.

6. I need to stop saying- “I don’t have time to be pregnant!”- yes, there is time, more than enough time…my life will continue because I know no other way but this time, I am pregnant in that life. It sounds completely ridiculous but it all makes perfect sense to me.

Truth be told, every one is birthing/growing something. It’s happening all around. May the universe treat to you with all care and concern accordingly…