the clearing…

December 26, 2010

Maybe it was finally the end of nursing after 10 straight years, or a late night wrapping presents together (alone, together), or realizing the baby is less of a baby every day…but all of the sudden I can see the clearing. You never know what you are doing when you are in it, it is only about what is right in front of you.

We did that well, embracing life, whatever it was. But now that certain stops on our travels are falling behind us, taking steps towards something new, I can finally see all this partnership has held.

Fours babies, the MTV Cribs style monster bed for 5 or 6, 10 years of nursing, no family close by, financial struggles, toddler triumphs/trials, wearing babes or acting as human jungle gyms, their bad teeth (oh the dental bills/trips), family dj hours, blue guy games (wrestling), making entire dinners with one hand and a child on my hip, kindness adventures, long stretches of togetherness with little privacy, the joy and challenge of that, people throwing up on you in the middle of the night, lots of witching hours, not nearly enough babysitters, long hours doing manual labor to provide, 8 moves in 10 years, learning as parents, growing up, all of us together.

Wanting it…we wanted all of it, we chose it, over and over again….and somehow we found each other after each and every change. We keep finding each other, and I can’t really tell you how. I like to envision that we are always running to each other in a great field of flowers but I think at times it has been more of a crawling in the mud and collapsing when we reach hands.

And I see how surviving counts, how graceful it is, how something bigger holds you, how the clearing gives you space to turn around for just a minute and honor how far you’ve come together, to realize how much you now know and how much more you don’t, to let go of all that does not serve you, to feel how strong you are, to note how much you have gained from being vulnerable, to know deep in your bones that your path was just right even when you doubted, to discover there is joy in all of it.

This clearing feels so familiar, so close, so true.

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