rad, caring old ladies…

July 13, 2012

HOW ARE YOU? she texts…I know she can feel me even from 1,000 miles away.

I’m okay…feeling a little lighter, more hopeful…I text back… and I am trying to reframe it all, and trust that all’s well…that there is a purpose…because there usually is, eventually. ..but it still sucks and maybe that’s okay too.

Nothing has quite worked out the way I hoped for this vacation, so far anyway. It started with a nostalgia I didn’t see coming, then hives, then a trip to the ER (everyone is fine) and ended with some sad news of a failing family member. The kind of news that sinks to your gut…and it feels as if there is no relief, no rest, only sadness. But at the bottom of deep grief is great love. I know this, I know this is why we have to hold grief close and honor it.

and I feel her too…it’s growing pains she says. …and I feel her struggle for one moment but then I feel pride, proud to know her because I know she is choosing to grow, again, even if it’s hard. She always does it with grace and bravery…over and over again. …and selfishly, I know she will share her growing with me, because this is what we do.

…and I realized it may always be hard, because life is…and I can hear my mother’s voice in my head, “Oh honey, you will not regret working on hard things now when you are old. Trust me.”

I file this wisdom away in my heart and text her back…We are strong…and we are choosing this life…we are going to be rad, caring old ladies…I realize we do not have to be afraid of hard, we will find our way…and sometimes we will be sad, so sad…

and this sadness will give us the vision to see it in someone else and know

and this hard will dig our well of love even deeper

and this grief is sacred, holy, true

and this growth takes us to a new place, closer to being whole

and this anger and frustration will fuel the change we need

and this pain pushes us closer to the only thing that matters, each other

and this truth that unfolds before us will make us wise

 

….and this is what we will hold to today. …and pray, pray, pray there is some kind of rest and recovery for the rest of the trip, because there has to be.

 

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