HOW ARE YOU? she texts…I know she can feel me even from 1,000 miles away.

I’m okay…feeling a little lighter, more hopeful…I text back… and I am trying to reframe it all, and trust that all’s well…that there is a purpose…because there usually is, eventually. ..but it still sucks and maybe that’s okay too.

Nothing has quite worked out the way I hoped for this vacation, so far anyway. It started with a nostalgia I didn’t see coming, then hives, then a trip to the ER (everyone is fine) and ended with some sad news of a failing family member. The kind of news that sinks to your gut…and it feels as if there is no relief, no rest, only sadness. But at the bottom of deep grief is great love. I know this, I know this is why we have to hold grief close and honor it.

and I feel her too…it’s growing pains she says. …and I feel her struggle for one moment but then I feel pride, proud to know her because I know she is choosing to grow, again, even if it’s hard. She always does it with grace and bravery…over and over again. …and selfishly, I know she will share her growing with me, because this is what we do.

…and I realized it may always be hard, because life is…and I can hear my mother’s voice in my head, “Oh honey, you will not regret working on hard things now when you are old. Trust me.”

I file this wisdom away in my heart and text her back…We are strong…and we are choosing this life…we are going to be rad, caring old ladies…I realize we do not have to be afraid of hard, we will find our way…and sometimes we will be sad, so sad…

and this sadness will give us the vision to see it in someone else and know

and this hard will dig our well of love even deeper

and this grief is sacred, holy, true

and this growth takes us to a new place, closer to being whole

and this anger and frustration will fuel the change we need

and this pain pushes us closer to the only thing that matters, each other

and this truth that unfolds before us will make us wise

 

….and this is what we will hold to today. …and pray, pray, pray there is some kind of rest and recovery for the rest of the trip, because there has to be.

 

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you’re okay…

February 10, 2012

written for her son…we all need a mother to sing to us sometimes…you’re okay.

(thanks to the checkout girl for the heads up.)

what do you want?

February 25, 2011

It was a simple question she asked, one I have been struggling with for quite some time. Well, like forever actually.

What do you want?

and the words flowed out, I didn’t think, I just typed.

I want to fuel and think of innovative kindness ideas, market them beautifully, and inspire people to believe in the power of kindness….I want to always be moving, changing, holding tight to humanity.

(and I want to do all that with the people I love)

“Oh My God, I think I just gave a Miss America answer, but I don’t even really care because it’s the truth!”…I wrote back.

And this week, while in the flow of planning, scheming, creating, crafting the next thing, it’s exactly how I feel. In this flow there is such joy, such happiness and all that really matters is so big I can’t see anything else…I can’t see my own self doubt, my fears, my shame, angst or even my intensity. The kindness is so big, not even I can stand or get in the way. It’s so blissful and how it should always be  I guess.

Even in my emotional ADHD, I am finding new answers, new buds are popping up, just letting the nature of this unfold, letting beauty come…opening myself to let it be. unafraid.

If you couldn’t think, process, mull over and I asked you

What do you want?

….what would you say?