it’s time…

July 1, 2012

art by Nora, age 6

I’ve been a little kindness manic lately…the amount of projects that have rolled in and out in the last few months has been insane.

This is both good and exhausting…and the questions are starting rise about the future, and the funds have been super tight. I have been chipping away at my soul reserves for too long…and while watching kindness move has been incredible, the workload is probably not sustainable.

I’ve been saying this for years, but I have to sort it out and get the Kindness ADHD under control or redirected or much intense focus on EVERYTHING …everything…and I say, “yes!”, “sure!” and “of course!” because I can see kindness potential in everything….. this is my art, my life, my messy, messy life. …not all of it is very healthy.

Even still, there are some things to figure out in order to move forward in kindness, and that is becoming increasingly clear for the welfare of my family, for myself…and while I have no idea what or how…I know I will not be able to see it until I rest.

So I checked out this weekend to help with a princess party for a kid I absolutely adore- getting lost in balloon beautifying, watching pure girly bliss and deep play, making rice krispie magic wand stars…and imagining the possibility of being queen for a day.

I’ve been holding tight to a vacation coming- but it’s one that you take by the last hair of your chiny-chin-chin. You know that will be tight too and you count pennies down to the wire, but you know you can’t afford NOT to take it.

and the tricky place is in your head…because vacation is still work with little children and there will be hours of riding in a car, there will be the one stressed out argument about laundry or packing, the emotional family dance of being with those you haven’t seen in awhile, or late nights and sun exhaustion and the just taking care of everything and every one, and “WE ARE HAVING FUN, right?!! It’s vacation, damn it!”

…and there will also be kids totally geeked out over Legoland dreams coming true, and sweet moments of grandparent adoration, a kind mom to take care of me, and there will be glorious, glorious food, and an auto vacation reply on my e-mail, and  family togetherness and time alone with my one true thing- my man.

and I will do the work of letting go, reminding myself to not over function,  to  let art live on- just in a more gentle way with no expectations, to let the grouch and chaos be at times and to be lazy- sort of…and I will try to be quiet and listen to myself after some rest…

which is a tall order for this frenetic and full mind and heart…but it’s time.

*I will be in and out of this space as the heart calls  from now until July 22nd…be well friends. 

The staycation kinda bombed, the bliss and the we-can-do-it togetherness is sort of waning due to even greater uncertainty- it’s like there is always one more step beyond the edge…and I am tired, passive aggressive and oh so grouchy…and what do you do with that the one step beyond? because THAT is the killer step…and then I wondered, how would I tell you that or what do I even DO about it? I have no idea. While in the shower, I thought to myself, “Awww screw it, just say THAT!

Almost every time I hit that point, things become a little bit clearer- not always better but maybe it is some way out. So this is what I am planning to do today, in all my grouchiness, feel free to join me if you are feeling grouchy too.

1. Yell, Growl, Do a marge simpson groan, Send a text. Any physical sound or form of frustration will do. The kind that lets the inside get outside with out hurting anyone else. You may have to go outside, nature can hear you and absorb, she’s super old. Send an SOS text to a friend, especially if you don’t feel like really talking.

2.Take an Emergen-C, Chug a glass of water, Eat something green. I know this is the very LAST thing you feel like doing but chances are even if you don’t feel totally connected to your body, it is in need of some care if you are grouchy. It can’t hurt.

3. Make your bed or shower,Take a nap. I promise you, clean sheets are the way to a new mind and heart. If your bed is already made religiously, a nap is probably in order. If you can’t turn your brain off or if you have small children- just lay there and close your eyes- rest, that’s right, rest. Showering is also helpful, who knew? Running water is a thing.

4. Just finish one thing. If there is total chaos around you or if you are overwhelmed, just do one thing, nothing else, just one. It doesn’t even have to be big. Mine is this blog post, I already feel better and dishes and a meeting are still waiting for me.

5. Say no to one thing. You don’t have to explain or apologize, just go to your e-mail right now and say you aren’t available and thank them, tell them you look forward to seeing so-and-so at the next meeting or event, or next opportunity- trust me, there is almost always another opportunity.

6. Make a sign. If you suck at telling people what you need, make a sign. I always get defensive and try to explain why I need all that, which is very little to begin with, just forget all that.
I need…
I need you to hug me…
I need 30 minutes by myself…
I need to know I’m not alone…
I need time with you…
I need to go see a movie…

If your people feel annoyed or angry, they probably need something too. Tell them to make a sign and then maybe you can help each other.

7. Kindness will melt you, Remind yourself you are loveable. – what would you do for a grouchy person that you really love? Do whatever that is for yourself.

In grouchy solidarity, text me “grouchy” to (407) 900-KIND and I will send you an encouraging, yet loving grouchy message back today. I know it will make me feel better too.

Texting closes at 10pm EST today!

her first, totally, completely self carved pumpkin:

There is this sort of evolution to discovering you can do something yourself. I know it sounds super trivial or simple, but I feel kind of like a little girl every time it happens.

Something presents itself- usually pretty organically.
An idea pops into your mind.
If you’re me, you wonder if you indeed can do it.
You gather your tools and courage. (for some of us or for the biggies, this can take FOREVER!)
You make many, many phone calls to trusted advisers and dear friends that serve as beloved shrinks to be sure this is indeed a good idea.
You sort of fumble around in the beginning.
A tiny misstep here, a major screw up there.
You scratch your head, or wail- depending on how big the required course correction.
You feel like it may not happen or you dig in, deeper than ever.
You look at it from all the angles.
You finally realize, you were meant to do it all along. You had it, deep in your heart you know it.
You hold it up to a light.
You did it. YOU did it.
You worship it…and yourself. (maybe just for a minute or maybe for a really long time)

You bliss out…until the next something presents itself. But every time, you hold a bigger piece of yourself.

Thinking of you today, for whatever something is waiting for you discover- you are doing it.