Kindnessgirl

my view from the couch

Thank God for Ben Folds…how does he always know what to say? He has a song for every shadow thought I’ve ever had. All day I’ve been listening to this song . I let myself kind of feel everything dark for just a little while…while slowly soaking in the thought that I’ve stood on both ends of the song.

It seems that whenever my own crap creeps to the surface, my instinct is to very quickly shut the doors of my heart. Throw down that lock to wait out the dark, because to feel it, to see it, to really look at it is so damn hard…so awkward, so un-doing, so humbling, so human. I try to avoid humanity apparently, which only ends up exposing just how human I really am. So the work before me recently has been to open the door, to push it open, to stand in the door way and be kind of undone.

I am exhausted, but half the door is open and that is good enough for now. I must do it…I must because…

I refuse to believe that people can’t change.

I refuse to believe we can’t forgive each other.

I refuse to believe that conflict can’t lead to very genuine and sometimes vulnerable honesty that produces compassion and understanding.

I refuse to believe we are meant to stay in this place.

I refuse to believe that there is no kindness magic.

I refuse to believe that love can not cover every hurting place in our hearts, even that which is deep and unseen.

I refuse to believe kindness can not change everything…

and so this door, even half open, will show me everything I need to know. and more…

what do you refuse to believe?

It seems Josiah and I have been in all the same places lately. We are standing at new adventures, new tasks, his was mountain biking with a new bike with brakes, mine is a new job doing social media for a local hospital. I think we both assumed it would be a breeze. Instead, the challenges have unfolded in ways we didn’t really expect. Before you know it, the feeling washes over you…

Whoa, this is hard! Why is this hard? I didn’t sign up for this! What if I can’t do this? like at all. What if I fail?

…and then you do. You wipeout big time, because sometimes that really is the only way to learn. And you feel a little beat down, sad and scared but you know the only real choice is to get up, brush yourself off, and try again. The thing is, there is no guarantee it won’t happen again. I watch others around me who hold the same fear, but dive in completely with their whole heart while I carefully try to guard my own. Then there are some who inspire me because they know even if they are petrified, the end result beats it all.

So we stretch, fumble and try again, and each time failure seems less big and scary, but part of something bigger …and so much more.

Love is not consolation. It is light. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

There is something so profound about being so wanted. This little guy was welcomed into the world with such joy and love…Thank you Mellissa and Andy for allowing me to watch it unfold and capture just a tiny bit of your great love.

It was an idea that came to us while layin’ around just shootin’ the breeze. The best ideas always unfold that way it seems. Yes! A Harry Potter dinner sounds perfect…and the thrifting, planning, scheming began. We spent hours looking at cool old junk in thrift stores, planned a menu together, found out dry ice is the most exciting thing EVER, talked endlessly about Harry Potter authenticity! It was one of the most fun nights/events I have had in a long time. I kept thinking to myself, “Why, oh why don’t I do more of this stuff with my kids?”. I decided these are the things, the stuff for pure fun, no holiday, no birthday, just because, are the real memory makers. We must do MORE!

You can see the rest of the Harry Potter magic pictures here.