Kindnessgirl

trashtalk: i often hear josiah tell himself (and sometimes jack) “who’s the man now?” when he scores big at a video game.

overheard this morning (along with video game sounds/music): “who is the mama now?”

the last crazy purchase made with the last paycheck
yes, you can come over….adults too!

the candy coated i-can’t-believe-i-LOVE-this CD music of the summer
jorge and the kids are too busy listening to this

obsessed with recipes for this

wish i was drinking this every night
(thank you jen)

just reading this site makes me feel a little cooler – these artists/writers are SO out of my league!
seriously, buy a book/t-shirt combo- you can feel cool too!

taking walks/runs at this very peaceful park

i will admit that when casing out a new place i am way too busy looking for claw foot tubs and arched doorways to notice if there is a dishwasher or central air. i am my mother’s daughter, i can make almost anything work. i’ve lived this way for years. pretty has always trumped functionality.

jack’s (age 4) advice while driving yesterday:

jack:
“mama, don’t look down, okay. just look through the glass so we don’t clash (crash).”
me:
“gotcha buddy, i’ll do my best.”

i wrecked my truck today…*sigh* this is my second accident in 5 years. i have decided i am a horrible driver. i think i was going the speed limit, i wasn’t talking on my phone, the music wasn’t loud…i think my mind just took me away for just a bit. the return left me creaming into the car in front of me, a lovely infiniti g20, my monster tahoe crushed it. her entire back end was in the back seat, i felt horrible.

there is a bright spot in all of this mangled mess…kindness showed up. she made herself ever present reminding me of all that is important and true. lucy, me and the woman i hit walked away without scratches.
kate, a friend from jack’s preschool was close behind and stopped. lucy went right into her arms and laid her head on her chest. i would have told you she must have been an angel. she gathered lucy and picked up jack, there was no wandering toddler to corral while trying to keep my tears collected in their ducts.

the officer charged me with the lesser charge of following too closely…

officer: maam’, i think you can just get traffic school for this charge, no points on your license.
have you been to driving school before?
me: (head hung) actually yes. like 4-5 years ago
officer: oh, don’t worry, you were a juvenile then so it doesn’t count
me: well, no, i was an adult (with 2 children no doubt) but thank you for saying that.
officer: well come to court and i’ll try to help you okay?
me: thanks alot…

then a woman and her daughter came with cold water for all.
“i’m just glad you all are okay honey!” i must have looked very young today or maybe very pathetic.

and then the big dog showed up. you must know this first: my husband LOVES cars. he treats them like friends, more than just mere objects that get us from point A to point B.
we climb in the car at the end of the ordeal.

me: i just crash all our cars.
him: no babe, just the new ones. (i need this humor, we laugh)
me: no seriously, what if we get sued?
him: what are they gonna take, we have no money and besides,
are they gonna take you away?
me:no
him: are they gonna take josiah, jack or lucy away?
me:no
him: what do we need to be happy?
me: (crying now) each other?
him: we have everything we need to be happy babe, it’s okay…it’s okay

me: our crazy love makin’ fest is over now huh…
him: nah, you just have a big debt to make up for now.

jorge took the rest of the day off during the busiest week of his entire year to take care of all the details- call the wrecker and insurance, rent me a car, finish my errands…

this is what it is like when kindness rains on a overcast day…

i love encounters with strangers…maybe it’s that i was never taught the proper stranger danger as a kid or that my mother was constantly engaging strangers my entire childhood. grocery store clerks, cab drivers, people waiting in line at the post office, my mother could have your life story in 3 minutes flat. there is something about her face that invites your story.

i am exhilarated by the fact for just a moment you are connecting with no knowledge of the past or the future. these are often the purest moments in life. this week the universe graced me with the youth of the city. it left me laughing and feeling hopeful…

a young (maybe 16) african american kid knocked on my door. he was selling/scamming magazine subscriptions for “points”. we banter and match witty remarks for a few minutes before we get down to business. he was slick, so slick and smart, i barely stood a chance.

me: okay, so is there anyway i can support you BESIDES buying a magazine?

him: buy a magazine for a friend! it’s more than paper and print ms. patience, it’s my future…

me: yeah, so i gotta question. do you wanna sell magazines forever, i mean, do you want to move up in this “corporation”?

him: oh no ma’am, i wanna be an actor.

me: so what are you doing to make that happen?

him: awww…i don’t know, i’m just hopin‘ i’m gonna knock on somebody’s door that’s important ya know?

me: yeah, they are gonna see how smooth you are and give you an opportunity right?

him: yeah! exactly!

me: huh, okay….so i’m not gonna buy a magazine but i got somethin‘ better for you. hold on…

him: hey, you gotta a beer in there? just kidding, how about a water.

me: no problem

i run inside and grab a paper and pen and scribble down the information for this. why i am still promoting this movie i do not know. it’s like a mother who loves you even if you treat her badly. (or poorly for that matter)

me: okay d*****, do you have access to the internet?

him: uhhh…yeah.

me: write these guys and tell them you want to read for the lead role.

him: what?

me: it’s a small movie about race relations in the south.

him: it’s a racist movie?

me: (laughing) no, it’s a movie about how white people and black people interact. it’s gonna be good man.

he takes the paper, smiles and walks away. he looked a little disappointed in the lack of a sale and surprised that an unimportant white housewife bears a gift of scratch paper with the hope of possibilities. even if it is a small one…

and then there was this little gem of a stranger exchange…

i was unloading groceries today when i saw a teenage girl in a school uniform walking on the sidewalk towards me. i figured she goes to the catholic girl’s school nearby and was walking home.

her: excuse me, do you happen to have any romaine lettuce in your fridge i can buy for $5?
(i kid you not, actually happened)
me: mmm, let me check.
will baby romaine work?
her: oh yeah, here (she starts to pull money out of the pocket of her button down shirt.)
me: yeah, i’m not taking your money. just the fact that you even asked makes you my kind of girl…have a great day.

i wish i had asked what she needed it for. i couldn’t even make this stuff up it’s so good…

may your week be full of unexpected enocounters with interesting strangers.

updated on 12/14/12 to add photo by Tisha McCuiston – Josiah today at 12 years of age

I held a boy almost too big for my arms this morning. Josiah buried his face in my chest and let out a long cry. I assured him it’s good to cry, that feelings like to be free. The ones that are bottled up hate it and find other ways to sneak out.

Today the tears are a result of being scared, afraid that he’ll never remember the 7 facts about squid. It’s been all about squid here- squid art, squid books, even pin-the-tentacle on the squid game. This is just too much for a 7 year old, a 30 minute presentation pretending to be the teacher. The burden weighs on josiah’s mind and heart.
I suggest squid power pancakes as they are magic. If you eat them you will remember all that you need to know about squid and be able to tell anyone and everyone about their amazingness. I kiss these tears and an agreement is made that it is indeed time for the power pancakes can bring.

My puffy eyed boy runs to take a bath and I start my day of 1 million tasks.
I have a hard time focusing. I imagine there is some other mother somewhere not far from me that is starting her day. Only this mother is wishing that yesterday was simply a nightmare and surely her sweet boy is anxious about a presentation he must make for his professor. Instead she attends convocations, picks out a casket, in shock and numb. How will she face today without that boy, how can he be gone?

Even further away yet another mother faces a deeper dark. Her son’s pain and action changed people’s lives forever. The weight is too great for anyone to bear and I can not pretend to know what will keep her soul from drowning.

I can only imagine that these women wish today was the day they were holding little boys almost too big for their arms. The day where pancakes heal the aches of the soul, the day where fears can be conquered with kisses and tears.

The candle on my kitchen altar still glows from yesterday. The holy mother stares at me while I do the dishes. Her face knows great pain and sadness. May she hold these mothers close to her bosom, may she come to them in their deepest dark, may she grant them comfort and peace. amen

for jarrett’s mom

here is a great overview of hope for richmond and our work towards racial healing…

i can’t even begin to understand the history of this city i live in. i was almost disgusted by it when i first came here from miami.
i knew we were moving to the south, but i had no idea that this was still so THE SOUTH.
i can vivdly remember coming home from the store during that very first week in utter shock.
“jorge, do you know they still fly the dixie flag here?”

i was dumbfounded sitting at parties and listening to college educated people from my generation explain in detail how the civil war was not about slavery. it seems to me it doesn’t really matter, the south held on tight to slavery, some are still holding on to the injustice even today.

i don’t like the history so i found myself trying to ignore it altogether. i would ride down monument ave rolling my eyes at the impressive statues. my side of town was everything confederate, i just couldn’t bring myself to accept any of it. it was all too dark. there was nothing to accept really, it just was.

i could not however ignore the racial divide in richmond. it makes me sad, but how can it be any other way? i want to say i understand but how can a white girl of privilege ever understand? sometimes i have questions i want to ask my african american friends but i feel sheepish and am not really sure where to begin. i fear my possible ignorance will somehow overshadow the intent of my heart.
i can barely wrap my head around the idea that my race, possibly my very ancestors took a group of people from their continent, from their land, from their home. their choices, their freedoms, it appeared the very essence of being human was completely stripped and yet an entire race found a way to overcome.

there is such shame, such sadness, such regret that my family did this to yours. it makes me feel helpless that i am unable to change the past and embarrassed that i don’t always know what to do about the future. i find myself just wanting to say i am so deeply sorry, and keep saying it over and over again, in my words, in my actions, in my life. i need to hear your stories, to hear your history, to be quiet and listen to even those beyond the grave.

it was snowy and quiet this morning. we went to visit the evergreen cemetery. i have no desire to ignore this past. there was a sea of green going further than my eyes could see. the forest has covered every inch trying to hide the history just under the surface. the ivy attempts to choke out the honor left on headstones of those who paved a way for so many but guys like clay simply won’t allow it. he stands watch along with coffee and cigarettes, he rummages around not knowing where to begin yet still befriending the dead.

we just wander around literally tripping over grave stones. jorge stops after every stumble and clears the green so just the top of the stone can feel the light of the sun. he falls behind as there are too many to keep up. the injustice continues, and i am left wondering if it will ever end…

so for years my sister and brother in law have been trying to convince me to run a race. dave ran the richmond marathon a year ago. it was wicked cool, the energy, the excitement, the hope in the air. i really liked the cheering part, i have a perpetual need to be encouraging so it was like the ultimate outlet for positivity.

i’ve never felt a strong desire to run myself but i decided to do a local 10K. i don’t really enjoy running, but i am in this 30 year old crisis thing so i’ve been thriving on finding new mountain tops to conquer.
the green energy quickly started to dissolve when i realized that dave and jen would be in africa the day of the race. Unexpected happenings had made my training schedule downright pathetic. i had run only once in the last 2 weeks before the race. this meant there was no way my crazy competitive self could match jorge’s time of 53 minutes from last year.

everything felt too busy, no one wanted to go. it seemed like there were 20 reasons why i should bail. i was completely unprepared. no proper hydration, no laying out the race clothes, no decent night’s sleep…except for the t-shirts. i was totally prepared to use my children as walking billboards for the 26,000 people there. they are so cute, who could pass on such a great opportunity for spreading political hope.

they read:

my mama
yo mama
for obama
2009

so i went, half-hearted about the whole thing (except the t-shirts). it wasn’t the experience i had anticipated at all. the people barely cheered on the way. maybe the thrill was over by the time i got there or they had one too many mimosas and were tired. i plugged along until the 4th mile, i definitely hit a wall and was wishing someone was with me. i walked a little and then started a slow jog.
a really young hot black guy started to walk beside me. he was perfectly cut, you could see every muscle in his arms. i learned that just like a book fitness can not always be judged by it’s cover. i leaned over and said. “hey, you should be kickin‘ my ass, go, run!”.
he smiled and took off, i needed a me in that moment too.

i started to run and finished at 1:07 minutes, it wasn’t too shabby considering. i was pleased for my first race and not too embarrassed.

the cheerleader in me felt the need to compensate for what seemed to be a lack of woo-hooing in the universe for the stragglers close to the end.
i really just wanted, no, NEEDED to see Beckey. Beckey is my dear friend who trained religiously, followed every running rule in the book, who put her entire heart and soul in the race. just a few days earlier she had hurt her ankle and was feeling such despair that she would miss the race all together. she recovered and was hoping to do it in less than 2 hours.

i was moving through my repertoire–
you are doing it!
you are almost there!
you can walk when you get home!
you did it, finish strong!
yes, you in the blue, you got it, go,go,go….

when i saw her, she was coming in well under 2 hours. i don’t know what came over me. i was jumping like a total lunatic, screaming her name. “i’m so proud of you!” we hugged tight and she went on to finish the race. it was a total sister moment. i wanted to cry, she was glowing with soulful accomplishment, something i had completely missed because of my foolish pride.

i don’t know if i’ll run more races or not, beckey, however seems completely hooked. my soul has much more work to do on the matter. i will happily make t-shirts and woo-hoo for beckey and those like her in the meantime.

warning- this is a sad post for dreamers (with a hopeful ending)

so i’ve always had this secret dream to be an actress. i did sing climb every mountain in my sixth grade graduation play and that’s a crazy hard song to sing. and what about all those years of dramatic monologues for the language arts competitions. oh captain, my captain? anyone, anyone?

i’ve been reminding myself every year that goes by that 40 is the new 30 and my distant hopes of being an indy film star or stage wonder are not entirely gone. production has always fascinated me too, back in the miami days i used to fantasize about being a production assistant. who fantasizes about being the errand girl and getting yelled at all day? however, i like being helpful, getting what you need, and anticipating the need before it even arises…i think i would be a kick ass production assistant, i am a mother after all. trying to be helpful was how this whole drama even started.

jen was on a film-is-my-next-art-to-conquer tear. i instantly get excited when she even starts looking in this direction. i can just picture myself lying on a beautiful bed like beth giving an amazing death monologue or whatever the dramatic part jen writes for me in the story of our lives screenplay. i know how much she loves richmond so i started researching the film scene here thinking this might be ideal for her next art adventure. i stumbled upon this.

how much better does it get? nyu students trying to raise money for their first big project set to be filmed in their hometown. and the subject for the film:

JACKSON WARD is a film about a small-town cop who befriends a struggling teen. The title comes from the name of the neighborhood in Richmond, Virginia in which the film will be shot. This is a film about white guilt and the balance of racial power in the South.

oh my god. this is amazing and perfect…i was just about to write jen and tell her she needs to e-mail these guys and be their new best friend when for the first time in my life i stopped, i stopped mid-help, wait, wait, wait. these guys should be MY new best friends, this is like my dream, screw it, i’m writing them an e-mail! so here goes:

Title : production assistant treasure

Patience ****** here.Thirty year old, mom of three with unfulfilled fantasies of working in film.
Stumbled upon your current work/art and was hooked.
I do kindness work with a local midwife in Richmond and am currently writing a short book with my sister.
Okay, so if there aren’t 5,432 VCU film students standing in line waiting to be production assistants, throw my name in the hat.
I can work a few full days, free of charge…no experience, I do have mad multi-tasking skills and a willing heart.

peace,patience

i thought for sure there would be a return in my e-mail box in three minutes flat. so sure i refreshed maybe 1,352 times. then i realized my craziness and left to pick up josiah from school only to return home to nothing in the inbox. this is the sad part of the story- i got nothin‘, no response, no response at all…it’s so sad, i’m mystified really. this is the part where i should get all rudy on them and myself but i just can’t do it. some days i’m sad thinking surely it’s all over, the good days of youth are gone. jorge said i forgot to mention that i’m hot, that would have helped.
today however all i can think, is that this train is leaving mama and you missed like the best stop ever. there’s always a chance to buy the ticket back though. i’ll forgive you cool nyu filmmakers dudes and be your kick ass production assistant, but just this once.

i can always count on jorge to keep me up on trends. he’s kinda like madonna, he can see them a mile away or invents them himself. he is also a little bit of everything so he has at least a little cool in him at all times. he casually told me forever ago that geek is in…

“really? huh…” i said.

fine by me, most geeks love me. i’m not crazy smart but i’m happy to listen to whatever you are into and ask semi-intelligent responsive, engaging questions. i’ll go home and google later too, just so we’ll have something to talk about the next time i see you.

so in true jorge fashion, we find ourselves at new york deli the other night for ipod night and to support this awesome and very cool do-gooding project. have you ever walked into someplace and were immediately aware that everyone there is like 10 times cooler than you?

The soundtrack in my own inner monologue was goin‘ back to some sesame street days-
one of these things is not like the other…that and there were crickets.

but it wasn’t just geek- there were girls with black, short hair and tattoos up their arms and skinny guys in tight t-shirts and beards wearing black horned rimmed glasses. these are geeks, artists, bloggers, cool underground bike people, zine makers, very socially aware and conscious, all the cool shit rolled into one… did i mention i was the homecoming queen? totally embarrassing yet true.

and there was jorge, schmoozing with the best of them. i love, love, love all of this…even if i was overly cheery and never got a second look from anyone in the bar. being the eternal poser that i am-i listened to the music, i took note of the fashion, i felt the vibe.

i still chalked the coolness factor to the youth of the night until i hit the park the next day. not long ago it was dad’s in northface fleeces pushing kids on swings and this spring it’s dad’s playing IN the sand discussing how the human connection and science interconnect. my brother in law would have been in heaven. there were even more horned rimmed glasses and cool throwback tennis shoes. i just smiled and eavesdropped on all the interesting conversations around me, it beats poop conversations and stroller reviews any day of the week.

i love thanksgiving, always have. aside from the raping and pillaging we did to the native americans, i like to think their kindness to an undeserving people keeps the holiday pure in it’s intent.

it was also the day my beloved proposed so it holds all kinds of warm memories for me…

we had a hell of a week leading up to thanksgiving. you can read about it here.
we found our way but it was emotionally exhausting. we had very little to offer at a holiday that is all about cooking, preparing, doing together. it didn’t seem to matter though. the sisters, in their wisdom, kept reminding me that all was well and no contribution was needed. they sent gifts of warm spinch artichoke dip to eat in the car for our travels and care packages of bath oils and good books. but mostly i was touched how they loved my husband.
some wrote, some called, some im’ed. women surrounded him with gifts of advice, nuture and support- things i was just unable to give to him. it was the divine mother, the one who never fails or hurts you.

this left me with an overwhelming feeling of deep gratitude. instead of packing and cleaning the day before thanksgiving, we ended up making cards and taking flowers to people we felt thankful for.
josiah reminded me that his friend at school only had 2 lego guys, he thought his card should include some of his own.
jack said he felt thankful for santa and proceeded to make him a card complete with the famous hand print turkey art. he wanted to deliver it right away. i knew we had to although i really didn’t want to go clear cross town in the cold torrential rain.
lucy was clingy and grouchy but perked up at the sight of santa and the play place at the mall.

i tell you all this because we have everything we could ever need or want. i always thought my life would be good if certain things happened or didn’t happen. i see now that when everything is peeled away, when your pain is raw, if you can find love-even in the darkest place, you are okay. even if you don’t feel it yourself, if someone else can hold it for you, or make the space, it will light your way…

jack and i have been properly worshipping the leaves this fall. sadly our sanctuary has been the car, we still ride down my street and pray to the blue sky and orange trees. the yellow oaks are a call to prepare our hearts right before the wind blows her blessing on us.

“jack! do you see that?”
“yeah, mama!”
“it makes me happy jackie-boy.”
“me too mama.”

the leaves fall and our car pushes right through blowing the holiness to someone else.

the only dark part of this beauty is that we should be outside, not confined by glass and steel. we rush through unable to really soaked up the magic.

i have been spending most of my days in the car. i hate this…this life that is dictated by school hours, homework, bedtimes, schedule, laundry and the like. i can’t find my rhythm, responsibility is calling the shots. spontaneity has taken a back seat, i love that dear girl. she is full of joy and i miss her desperately.

i thought all was lost, the winter-like air has swept in quickly during the month of november. the days of walking to carytown to get a little piece of chocolate , a yummy lunch,
or play and be inspired felt pretty much over. i am not yet ready to switch gears to starbucks and hibernation. winter can be long and harsh and i never had a chance to say good-bye to my good friend fall. she was kind and granted mercy today. the sun was shining proudly, t-shirts and flip flops had one last show.

lucy and i almost skipped to all our places in town. lucy waved and said, “bye!” to every stranger along the way. it didn’t matter whether we were coming or going, her gift was happily received. the smiles were deep and genuine. after finding lots of treasures we made our way back to our haven.
naps were in order, they seemed the perfect benediction. i was unable to sleep and found myself in the kitchen making homemade macaroni and cheese. the thought of an inevitable winter still was looming in the back of my mind. the season of so many things are coming to an end for me. my spirituality will try to live off the new harvest i’ve been gathering, hopeful that peace will be born by spring. it weighs on my heart today.

acoustics sounds of a guitar and bass start to fill my kitchen. they mix with the aroma of the comfort food, all of my senses being tended to. the guys next door are preparing for their gig tonight. it could not be more perfect. the live music finds it’s way deep into my soul. i sit on my porch, the only one at this show. fall has not allowed me to despair, like a mother she knew i needed her to be redeemed and find my own redemption so that i may embrace a new hope…

can i just say my brother rocks?

this could not be a better post. i totally agree man…

1.he plays hours of “wars”- josiah’s made up game that is played on a chinese checker board with marbles, dice, legos and backgammon pieces. the game is that josiah makes up 1000 different rules to directly favor himself…thank god for playful parenting, this process requires the patience of a saint. (jorge does occasionally get his own rule in here and there)

2. he loves halloween and all other holidays that involve excess such as-
(ranked by most favorite)
1.thanksgiving(food)
2.st. patrick’s day (drinking)
3. halloween (candy goodwill).

3. he REALLY wants a pet. he and jack took turns holding shiner (the preschool class guinea pig) this weekend. shiner gets a reprieve from 120 little hands to just the torture of one family on the weekend.

4. he gets pissy when i don’t remind him that it’s pumpkin carving day at school, he would have liked to have gone. the same goes for fieldtrips. (i say- not my job dude!)

5. he loves live music so much he is happy/willing to sit through scareokey at the spooky saturday at school. for just 2 tickets any kid can be tina turner rollin’ down a river…

6. he meets our kids snuggle needs. i never realized how much connecting he does until the last few weeks when he has been enduring knee surgery drama. i watched jack in papa holding withdrawal. the kids were actually giddy the first night he was back in our family bed.

7. he’s up on kid’s television and pop culture. he tivo’s the backyardigans and wonder pets, and doesn’t mind watching and singing for that matter.

8. he sees the potential-he let’s jack take 5 million digital pics half of which are blurred or pictures of lucy’s nostrils.

9. he say’s things like, “niiiiice” and “excellent” to anything you really care about. he asks follow-up questions about kindergarten dynamics and playground drama.

10. he delights fully in our kids, he honors their personalities and stages of growth in their hearts and lives…

My kids often tell me that they love me with her body, heart and soul. Jack was helping me make breakfast this morning and we were chit-chatting about apple skins. “mom, I love you with my body and my food.”

Josiah must be learning about allergies somewhere. He said this morning with great excitement,

j- “mom, I know what I’m allergic to!”

me- “really, what?”

j- “it’s ‘lectricity, I sneezed 2 times when I was turning my light on in my room.”

jack’s favorite song in the whole universe is “All these things” by The Killers.
he stands in front of the fan (a la darth vader) and sings the chorus “i got soul but i’m not a soldier” just to get the same sound as the real band.
this little chorus inevitably has found different words at our house.
tonight at dinner, i heard josiah as he was bringing the pineapple to lucy- “i got pine, but i’m not a pine-apple.”
jack quickly followed by “i got poop, but i’m not a booty”

yes, this is the dinner conversation tonight….this family has definitely got soul.

the way she moves her head from side to side, it’s her dance…
the way she claps when dora starts…
the way she half smiles when she nurses…
the way she “talks”…
the way she looks when josiah walks in the room…
the way she tolerates jack’s very close and sloppy love…
the way she plays coy…
the way she turns her papa’s heart inside out…
the way she feels like my little partner in every act of kindness…
the way her eyes hold the best dream you can imagine…
the way it seems like the whole world adores her…
the way she lights our life and brings us such sweet joy…

happy birthday lucy….

always yours,

mama

There has been lots of self-evaluation (even more than usual) after a falling out with a friend this week. The whole family seems to have something to say.

After giving Josiah the brief lowdown:

Me: Well, I haven’t been a good friend in some ways but it’s a little complicated.

Josiah: Mom, that’s not true, you are a very good friend. Just say your sorry mom, it will be fine.

Me: I did say my sorry but I think my feelings are hurt…

Jack: I cly (cry) when my feelings are hurt.

Josiah: Mom, tell me what happened.

I share just a little more of the story.

Josiah: Mom, this is not a big deal, just say sorry and it’s okay mom. Did you ask her to go to lunch? That will work, just do that tomorrow.

In my mind, it is so much more complicated but his advice seems very wise in the moment.

When I look back in my life I’ve always made friends very easily, I’ve had lots of friends, I was always looking in the room for that person that needed a friend.

I’ve never required much from my friends either, I don’t need you to call me back, it’s perfectly fine if we don’t see each other in a awhile. I am very present, in the moment when I’m with you. I give you everything I have, I think about you when I’m not with you, I pray for you, I’ll drop something on your doorstep if I know you are low, I’ll listen to your bad life or stories about your horrid mother in law, I’m right there with you. I delight in your company and can see all the treasures in your soul. I’ll process, share, discuss anything, at anytime….it sounds fantastic right?

But the weird part is I don’t really need a certain kind of emotional support returned from my friends, which in some ways it ends up not really being a give and take friendship at all. It’s not that I see the world as a great big project, it’s just kind of how I’m wired I guess. It feels more like breathing, I don’t think about it, it’s just how I am. When I do have a need or a problem I have lots of different people I can go to share or draw wisdom from.

Besides my family, there are just a very small handful of people that I can’t live without.

I feel like an ice princess just saying that.

Most are pretty fine with that arrangement, but for some it’s a recipe for disaster.

This also leads to flakiness- I have lots of people going, giving lots because I enjoy it and it really isn’t that hard for me but if you need to be needed back, I’m a horrible friend. The second I feel that need arising, I start to retreat because I can’t deliver and then I get all up in my head worrying that you feel loved by me. I don’t have the mental energy to be worrying about the frequency of our interactions hoping you are feeling close and connected enough. My instinct is to break-up immediately which leaves both friends feeling horrible.

So I have to figure this dynamic out. I think this is what my friend was trying to do but her delivery was too harsh and brutal. I felt forced to try to make a change and unsafe to practice with her. I think it might have been a myer’s briggs letters communicating issue. Maybe I’m not meant to have those type of more intense friendships or maybe it’s an opportunity to grow. I feel horrible about the whole thing but I think time will help to heal some deep wounds and maybe josiah’s advice will ring true in the end…say your sorry and go to lunch, it will be fine mom.

i had been thinking about my birthday for a few months now. i thought i wanted an adventure birthday, but the adventure was really in my head.
i don’t really like my birthday, it something about the direct attention. while i want to celebrate, i feel sort of fragile and uncomfortable. this year felt a little different, i knew i had the power to say what i envisioned and wanted but i needed someone to help me figure out what that was. jorge very casually helped me sort it out.
i realized it was okay to have the kind of birthday where i could receive the love and celebration of my life in a way that felt safe and just right for me. sometimes i just don’t know how to let people love me, but i’m trying…

this translated into a lot of little experiences instead of one big one. it meant personal expressions of love from little children, dancing and drinking with friends, trying something hard and new with the safest people in my world, mending a precious relationship over yummy food and talk of football, sitting in the sun opening a gift that contained enough inspiration for the next thirty years, and receiving a book of blessings for my path that can be soaked in again and again.

and i still didn’t get to connect with all the people i wanted to…maybe this will be a birthday month, i don’t know. i do know that it is the beginning of so many new things for me. i don’t feel as old as i thought, but i feel wiser like i have something to share with the world.

and the universe, in all her wisdom has much more to share with me…

this weekend can be described in one word- lovely. we went to northern virginia to meet up with dear friends and even had a chance to make a new one too. i love weekends that are a little bit of everything- new amazing nature, a new friend, a new look at spirituality, a new wisdom, a new experience. i feel so at home with these friends, and it seems in many ways just the beginning of our friendship. i left feeling relaxed and inspired.

this was also launched this week- *sigh*, so amazing…many blessings as the divine blogosphere mother welcomes you back…

this labor day finds us in true sloth-dom. each room in the house is a different degree of trashed. the morning started with a viewing of the movie jumanji which then turned into a suggestion of zathura and chinese food. i’m sure this is the very definition of relaxation that whoever invented labor day had in mind. i didn’t even know a movies-about-board-games marathon even existed, or could be created by a 6 and 32 year old.

i’m slightly disturbed that we are even in this movie world. tastes are definitely changing, it must be yet another sign that kindergarten starts tomorrow. i’m definitely having one of those my heart is outside of my body parenting moments.
i feel like this chapter is very over and nothing will be exactly the same again. i sound completely dramatic (which i was actually called this morning) i know but i really loved that chapter. you know, the one where you sit around at parks all afternoon, make “projects” involving styrofoam and toothpicks with the cellophane flags at the top, you decide to make chocolate chip cookies on a whim and dance in the kitchen. there is no plan because you never HAVE to be anywhere. you have deep conversations about star wars, legos and what happens when you die.

the smokin’ and jokin’ days are over…jorge has grand plans of taking over the pta, early pick-ups and standing on the sidelines at basketball games. he is coming into his parenting prime while i watch mine fade away. i will follow jorge’s lead as he did mine and josiah will light our path.

“mom, i put my head under the water at the pool and fell asleep all by myself…
we had a happy meal and got toys from leeann and i’m going to the big kid school, my life is so good mom.”

it is a good life, even for the resistant teary mom who will still embrace the next chapter and pray it is as sweet as the last…

my week started out with a bang. i was offered a new job on monday and accepted it on tuesday, quit my present job on wednesday, told many a friend on thursday and had a big meeting on friday.

somewhere in between a baby was born, jorge traveled and love was tested. all ended triumphantly i must say but made for a very interesting and tiring week.

as we were out shopping for the baby, i ran into an old friend and chatted while my kids waited. my kids were whining and extremely tired, they were so rude even i was embarrased. we still had to head back to my work which couldn’t have been a worse idea considering how grouchy everyone was but i really needed to go. i was railing on them after we left about how rude they were when jackie-boy very quietly in the back said,

” ‘cuse me mama, you know what my body is telling me?”

(*sigh* i’m fully expecting he’ll say chocolate milk or some other “need”. i am so over being a parent today is all i can think)

“my body is saying (here comes the high pitched voice), ‘go to toys work (what they call my job)
jackie-boy’.”

this is jack’s surrender, he has given over his will and sacrificed his needs for me. it’s his olive branch.

“thanks jackie.” i say, feeling like such a loser for dragging my kids all over creation to do my errands and do-gooding. did the gift really need to be delivered on a saturday night at 8:30pm and THEN head back to my work? and why, oh why am i trying to finish out so much before i leave.

i think i just feel a little guilty for quitting so close to the busiest time of year for my line of work. or maybe i just want the people close to me to know that i’m not quitting them.

i felt proud of my family though. as much as my kids were making me crazy, they happily picked out presents for the big sisters of the new baby and they apologized for being rude when really i was being a crappy parent.

all that and my marriage was tested by evil in the world, but the most amazing part was we passed with flying colors. it left the kind of high that true love really does conquer all…

so all in all, it was a good week, tiring but good.

my sister and i were talking on the phone the other day when i was telling her that i just felt like the divine mother or whoever was trying to tell me something. this made her chuckle and smile i’m sure. “oh, i love that, the divine mother.” she said. “i know, right?” i said.

we’ve been calling him, or um her that ever since. it’s who the divine is to us this week. maybe it will change next week, who knows. the conversation instantly reminded me of madonna. i mean who can go from material girl to like a prayer to justify my love to knitting mother to kaballah queen? somehow that woman pulls it off like whoever she is in that moment is exactly what she should and the rest of the world should be too. she owns the room, the music, even the future reinvention…and i don’t even really like madonna.

my faith, my god, is forever being reinvented in my head.
i went from this god i desperately want to please and pray he loves me back
to
maybe he doesn’t care so much about me trying so damn hard
to
the god that isn’t even about that shit anyway
to
god must be about loving the world
to
mother theresa and saving the world in my own way must be the god i am about
to
maybe god is like the divine mother whose lap you crawl into. she strokes your hair while you cry…she gently calls you out to do the things you are afraid to do. she whispers the truth of her deep love for you at the moment when you feel the most alone. she reminds you how strong you are and how her dreams for you are so much greater than you can ever imagine…

this is my god, she’s my favorite by far. i feel safe in her arms, i want to hear her voice…

come to me divine mother….reinvent my faith again.

this is how you know how your kids have wached too many shows in the tivo que this summer:

i was reading josiah a book this morning when he said,

“pause the book mom, i gotta get something.”

so we are in this horrible waiting game with josiah’s school situation. we literally will not know until the first day of school if there is a spot for him. it sucks royally for me, i hate not knowing. i wrote this letter so the principal won’t forget about us. i was trying to craft a “you really want us” letter but i just couldn’t do it so i went with endearing and pathetic. i think it’s a good description of josiah…

Dear Mr. *****,

We spoke last week regarding my son Josiah who will be in kindergarten this fall. Josiah is first on the waiting list and **** is our district school. While I’m sure the last minute preparations for the school year are enough to make everyone crazy, I appreciate you taking the time to read this e-mail.

I’ve heard you are a face-to-face kind of guy but I figured that it would be completely overboard for me show up unannounced and beg for a spot for my kid one week before school starts. So I sit here with my computer instead knowing that the numbers are already determined and that you have to actually have a spot to offer. The letter is merely for my own mental health I’m sure.

I just wanted you to know a little bit about Josiah so that if a spot should open in that very last dark hour you would have a picture in your head to fill it.

Josiah is a lego artist and is completely obsessed with recycling at the moment. Everywhere we go he insists that he needs to take trash home for a very important project. The little ketchup cups at Wendy’s are necessary for bionicle building, the Cold Stone creamery bowl must be washed out in the bathroom because it would be the perfect top to a submarine, and he insists he will need the cup carrier at Baja Fresh for something although he’s not quite sure what that something is yet. And yes, we are eating a lot of fast food these days.
I keep reminding myself that this form of art is indeed important to his development and we aren’t just hauling a bunch of crap home.

This kid has a killer sense of fashion that involves lots of mismatching and green or red high top converse shoes that have become his trademark.
He is kind and has an uncanny ability to make friends everywhere we go. I sometimes watch in amazement thinking he will never be able to crack the code with the kid twice his age and size but somehow he does. He is very laid back and can adapt to a plan change at any minute but he can also be incredibly persistent once he gets something in his head. He asks why so much, so much that even the former teacher in me gets tired just thinking about it.
He is rarely outwardly defiant but has been known to be passive aggressive on occasion. He loves his brother and sister dearly and is incredibly affectionate. I will really miss his company but am excited for this next step in his life.

I believe that ****** is the place for Josiah and our family. I am particularly interested in the multi-cultural focus as we are an ethnically blended family. The do-gooder in me wants my kid in any place that is participating in a project like Habitat for Humanity where kids can get a hands on experience on what our lives should really be about.

While I know Josiah will be great wherever he ends up, in my head and heart I can see him walking up the steps to ******. We will wait until the very last day of August as per your instruction in the letter we received from you. Much peace and many blessings as you start another year of leading the kids of Richmond to new places of learning and growth.

attached is a picture of josiah…

peace,

********

i gave jorge this very long speech the other day about how i am so tired of hauling the kids to work with me because well, it’s hard to actually work. as a result of this long, drawn out complaining-about-the-plight-of-women session we decided jorge would watch the kids last night so i could get some uninterrupted hours in.

so where is my husband at 5:30 when i’m on my way to drop the kids off and head in to work? he’s here ….the best little hole in the wall bar in richmond. i’m mildly annoyed although he claims he had every intention of being home by the time we got there. i instantly start planning my “you suck” speech when i had a brilliant idea: we will crash happy hour! everyone, the whole crew- me, a six year old, a three year old and 10 month old respectively.

while i know that buddy’s is like my husband’s inner sacred place, i knew he would probably think it was great that we spontaneously showed up. i was hoping it would have more of a revenge effect but jorge is just too cool for that. not to mention, why shouldn’t i get to have a drink too?

josiah: where are we going mom?
me: we are going to meet papa at a “restaurant”
josiah: oh good, do they have french fries there?
me: ummm….probably, we’ll see…

so we get to buddy’s and i march my myself with a baby on my hip right into the smokey bar. every man in there has a look of instant panic followed by relief that none of the small children actually belong to him. i can see them thanking jesus this is not their wife invading their inner sanctum. i scan the room and i quickly realize jorge is NOT there. where the hell is he?

i tell the kids we are leaving much to every one in the bar’s relief and head outside to call jorge.
i start thinking that he must have felt bad he screwed me over and has gone home to wait for me. not so much….

jorge: hello?
me: where are you?
jorge: i’m at bandito’s
me: what? i thought you were at buddy’s?
jorge: nah, we ended up at bandito’s
me: I’M AT BUDDY’S!!!!!!!
jorge: what!!!????? (laughing while slightly buzzed)
me: we were crashing your happy hour and now you are at bandito’s? you have completely ruined my whole plan of revenge! I’m so pissed!
jorge: (still laughing) you took the kids to buddy’s?
me: you are buying me dinner and drinks.
jorge: no problem baby, i’ll have a long island iced tea waiting for you.
me: see you in a few….
jorge: hey, so are you going to work?
me: hell no!
jorge: (laughing) bye…

why i have not done this before i do not know. we ended up having a great night that just couldn’t end at bandito’s. let’s just say the night ended with good friends drinking on our porch and singing high school musical songs. the days of summer are almost over. i wish we had crashed happy hour forever ago…

i was going to write this very mushy post about my husband and then i read this which made me cry. i don’t even know where to start except that he really gets me. he knows i so very want to be the woman in that song.

jorge has taught me so much this year. it was a particularly good marriage year- we had lucy, we moved to a new place for the sake of adventure, jorge started a new business that energizes him, jorge taught me how to recover a time in my life i thought was over, some sad things happened and we were able to really rely on each other, st. patrick’s day was insanely fun…and the list goes on.

many blessings on you my best friend…we have been given much more than we could ever ask or imagine. ephesians 4:20

you have loved me well, i pray i can return that love in the many years to come.

we were supposed to go to the o.a.r. concert in maryland this weekend. we got the tickets like forever-a-go but our babysitting fell through at the last minute which royally screwed us. we decided to vacation in richmond (in the summer) instead.

we have done this before sans children- let me tell you, there is a huge difference. there were drunken nights and dancing until dawn. leisure breakfasts and museum afternooons, it was magical. with kids, not so much…

some conclusions i’ve come to –

we discovered that the movie monster house is definitely too scary for a 3 year old when jorge had to take jack out 2 minutes into the movie. duh! i know, but he really wanted to try after repeated questioning from us.

we should have gone to a hotel. no matter what we do we can not seem to get cool in our city apartment. it was so miserable, not even cheesy romantic comedies could make it bearable…

it was too hot to even walk around in our neighborhood. we actually drove 5 blocks to our byrd discounted theater to watch over the hedge in hopes of redeeming jack’s bad movie experience. jorge and i slept through the entire movie in the air conditioning.

being “in town” required me to make one stop at work- a place i’m trying to avoid at all costs…

and then right in the middle of our mini-vacation, a big bomb drops. jorge’s parents are separated…*sigh* there are not many times in the last 14 years that i have seen my very best friend sad. like really sad… i am the talk-about-it-until-it’s-processed-to-death kind of sad person whereas jorge is a silent kind of sad person.
it was so hard, i kept thinking about this post and how uncomfortable i am with silence. i just want to do, say, believe, hope- anything that would relieve the pain of the person i love most on this earth. but really, just being together and quiet was what was needed most and i suck at that.

i have to say i’m looking forward to fall, even though there is still a month of summer left.