Kindnessgirl

the soulsister’s are at it again….Sharing and Caring: For the Selfish Bastard in all of Us
is in the works. i figure, we better get cracking before i’m too pregnant to want to do it at all.
good times…

i have that big hair already, it’s thicker, fuller….a little soon don’tchya think?

i am now affectionately referred to as doc-ock by my boys. neither of the boys have seen the movie but are still obsessed, i think it’s the spiderman legos we have.
josiah will randomly yell- “doc-ock!!!!” and jack instantly comes running and holds my leg as tight as he can.

“yeah!” jack replies.
then there are loud whoops while both boys run away.

we see the tides changing, they are unifying. jack will not let us touch josiah’s uneaten dinner,
“no, no mama…josiah”

my valentine’s… 

so sorry dear blog for neglecting you, you are a dear friend. just taking my thoughts, allowing me to express, no expectations…

so this is a return, a return to art, to thinking outloud with out a need for response or community, at least for right now. some communities are not good for your soul, it’s strange because community is such a positive word for me. mmmm…something to ponder.

josiah trying to persuade me to play legos with him:

j- “mom, please play legos with me.”

me- “you look like you are doin’ a good job all by yourself.”

j- “that’s very nice of you mama, but i NEED a partner, you are my family, you know that?”

me- “okay…”

how could i possibly say no to that, this kid sure knows how to pour it on.

i’m trying to persuade josiah that maybe he, jorge and jack should go to church:

(this was during a parenting freak out moment when i was obsessing that they haven’t had any traditional spiritual formation)

me- “you know, you could go worship in the big church with the other people. maybe go to class and learn about jesus stuff.”

j- “mama i already went there once, i don’t need to go anymore. i know about the jesus stuff already…that church doesn’t know jesus”

so i guess church shopping is on the back burner for a few more weeks…

new year’s is a fragile time of year for parents of small children, you still very clearly remember the years that you partied like a rockstar…except in my case.

the memories most vivid to me are those of my childhood new year’s. there was always a big potluck dinner at the church which was followed by like hours of “praying in the new year”, this year for sure was the year our lord would probably return. this sort of talk always scared the bejesus out of me. and then on the way home you could hear the fireworks going off, surely this was just the beginning of the end of the world. god i hope i’m raptured….(sing a chorus- i wish we’d all been ready) *

so last night was a far cry from the old potluck days. we had some friends over to chill and watch movies. these are dear friends because they do not have children, they could be partying like rock stars….such kindness, i’ll never understand it. sometimes i want to say, “ummm, are you sure you don’t want to go out, it’s NEW YEAR’S for gods’sake, do it. seriously man.”

but the selfish bastard in me doesn’t say a word because they make things so much more fun for a housebound girl like myself.

i anticipated a night of proselytizing garden state and a kiss at midnight from my true love but aaron had a different idea. he brought poker chips, need i say more?

you have to know i LOVE card games, except they make me a little crazy, like certifiable. a new level of cursing, a competitive monster, the intensity dialed up a few notches…all of this might i add, not so cool in poker. but i have always wanted to play so i was very excited. you know everyone was making fun of me writing down what beats what (a cheat sheet of sorts), but that little sheet got passed around quite a bit. and at the end of the night jorge and i were like a million dollars richer in pretend money, we kicked ass for first timers.

so this might be my new obsession. the same group of people are coming over next week for jack’s second birthday, which i think has also just become a poker night. my sisters hopefully will be there, even better…the kids always disappear anyway. unless, of course, our lord returns first.

*none of this will make any sense if you did not grow up in evangelical christian world

i just love the art of film… the music, the photography, and the people relaying the story, it’s all woven so closely together, each element relying on the other to compel, to move, to draw the feelings out of you.

garden state came out on dvd this week, this was the movie of the year for me, saved was a close second. it holds a special memory because i came home one night to find a ticket for the 9:30 showing on my kitchen table. it was one of those moments when you feel guilty for losing all hope that your family (i.e. husband) will ever be thoughtful. jorge knew i needed a break, i didn’t ask, it was just offered, this brand of kindness touches me so deeply.

so i sat in the dark, by myself, with a box of raisinets and a diet coke, and soaked in every minute of this movie that i hear is now the anthem of my generation.

what is the anthem you ask? the message being that it is so far better to feel than to be numb, there is beauty in pain, in the breakdown…let’s just say it’s definitely an nf movie.

(for an explanation- http://www.personalitypage.com/four-prefs.html)

even further, how can we ever regret our mistakes and failures because don’t they shape us into the people that we are, isn’t the process the thing? isn’t it about the journey? aren’t we all just trying to find our way? we’re all fucked up…

and then i wonder about myself. i feel almost out of place, from some other time. i don’t want to make any mistakes, i fear them. i am so afraid to fail. i’m scared of that feeling like somehow i’m less than, not as good, not as smart, not as valuable. and then i slowly realize how much i want this lesson, the one my peers breathe in and out…

who am i measuring myself next to? who is judging me anyway? am i missing something great on the journey because i am too afraid to try? is there a soul who will walk with me and hold my hand?

i love this anthem, i love my generation. i want to feel, i want to experience it all, i want to try. but i mostly want to be okay with not being okay, with failing, finding the beauty in the breakdown…

(taken from http://soulsistersunite.com ) by me

well here we are on day 2, i feel the need to report on my christmas happenings.

right this very moment someone is cleaning my chimney so my christmas can be oh so more magical, complete with chesnuts roasting and all…i imagined the chimney sweep guy to be a little more like dick van dyke (a la mary poppins) in nature. you know, dancing on my roof, singing a spectacular musical number. i mean, it’s a jolly holiday with you bert.

but alas, no dick, but a very nice kid in his 20’s who looks tired and it’s only 8:30am. i wish i had something in my kitchen to offer him, but even my pantry is bare. we’ve been too busy enjoying christmas to get to the stores.

“excuse me, ma’am, i’m afraid there are some minor cracks in your chimney lining, you all are in danger of carbon monoxide poisoning. the fireplace side of the flue is much better than the furnace side. the repairs will cost around $5000.”

“umm, are you sure i can’t use the fireplace just a little tiny bit? i mean we haven’t died or anything yet right? i really need this fireplace for my christmas experience!”

he laughs and goes on to the particulars. i must say, i’m not sure what i’m more upset about, the $5000 or no fireplace this season…this sounds absurd i know, but it’s how i feel. so i’m off to the store to buy like 8 carbon monoxide detectors and research the hell (i love you google) out of chimney liners because god knows we do not have 5 grand.

i wish i was mrs. banks, on the front lines of the suffrage movement, while bert and mary figured out my chimney problems with the children….supercalla my ass…

on a brighter note, in case you all are wondering….

andes creme de menthes are the new startlight mints, this might even replace my “m”azing peanut butter candy addiction.

musing with my lovah (page 11 of the zine) has made this christmas the best ever and we are only on day 2, lots of “projects” can sure make the season bright.

woodburning icons for your advent altar might take a little more skill than first anticipated. they ended up looking like a third grade project but josiah and i didn’t seem to mind. art, it’s all about the process.

josiah insisted that jorge take our baby jesus nativity book with him to work. i’m not really sure what that was about, one can only hope we aren’t rearing a proselytizing fanatic. first it’s christmas books, then it’s tracts…i think maybe i’ve watched the movie saved one too many times this week.

so if anyone feels led, have a fire in your fireplace for me tonight…it would make me so happy to know you are having a oh so magical christmas.

josiah and flipper 

dave lemen rocks! 

so sorry to all three of you who read my secret blog that i seem to have gone missing. i have been completely and utterly obsessed with the organization of the zine (even to the point of having a knock down drag out over gmail vs. excel- so silly, i know).

but…..our zine is finally done!

for those of you that don’t know my sister jen and i wrote a zine about christmas. technically, it’s more of a book (75 pages). i have to say the collaboration amazed me. jen and i were like kim and ron from kim possible. (it’s sad when your analogies come to the lastest cartoon.) but i think this might be the thing that has touched me the most. we work REALLY well together. the content flowed and so did the laughter. and just when it gets tense or weird, someone says how they feel to lift the conflict to a place where it can be worked out. i have felt deeply loved by jen through this whole process. good stuff…

we launched the website on thursday and by sunday we sold around hundred zines. in the middle of this madness i simply forgot to tell you all that this monumental experience happened. so very sorry, please don’t feel like the redheaded stepchild, mkay?

so here is the link in all her glory-

http:www.soulsistersunite.com

hope you love it so much you just want to eat it up! hope it inspires you, hope it makes you laugh, hope it makes you cry, hope it is better than Cats…..or at least good bathroom reading!

much love and many thanks for your support!

your friend,

pache

is it wrong to buy your 4 year old and his 2 year old brother an mp3 player? jorge brought me home one the other night as i have been eyeing his for quite some time now. josiah and jack became obsessed and have been fighting over mine ever since. i took jack to big lots, (shopping isn’t one of his favorites) where he shopped the entire hour listening to the black eyed peas and trying to sing (i might add loudly) “let’s get it started in here”. his favorite part being the end- ya,ya,ya,ya,ya,ya,ya,yaaaaaa.

my crazy kids! i have to say this is the direct genetic influence of their father who is still and i guess always will be very hip when it comes to music and pop culture.

i was so down after the elections. all i could think was “how could this happen?”. it all came down to “moral values”. like war and preventing 2 people who love each other from marrying is moral? i know it sounds melodramatic but i was so sad that so many are against gay marriage. i just don’t get it. it felt almost surreal like i’m in a time warp, like 1950. i pray my children in 20 years are horrified by the thought that we as a people were against basic civil liberties the same way we can’t possibly understand the civil rights movement of the 50’s and 60’s for black americans. i’m just afraid we won’t progress far enough by then. i am just saddened by it all. when will we all finally be accepted?

i must admit that i carry lots of issues about the religious right and the president, i tend to be a little harsh at times. i came from the religious right so i know i am much more free with my judgment on that particular group. then jorge and i had that difficult discussion, the one that exposed our different value systems. the can of worms was opened, and i can’t really go back. it’s hard when you face some real differences with someone you love deeply. the kind you know deep in your heart are there but you choose to not directly acknowledge because this love is messy. it requires your love to dig deeper and be stretched in a painful way. honesty is hard.

in the middle of all of this the zine was finally done. it was hard for me to celebrate, i just kept thinking, “how is this little zine going to change the world, it’s just a silly little thing about christmas.” i was really down…

jorge left for a business trip on thursday, we said goodbye but there was still so much angst

in my heart. i completely forgot about the taize service at church. i was asked to read scripture like a month ago. i was shuffling through the papers piled on my counter trying to find the information. we were late as usual, i had to drop the boys off before i went so i never even looked at the scripture until i got there. i entered the tiny chapel only lit with what felt like hundreds of candles, the church was built in 1852. it felt like holy ground, like a place where so many have laid their burdens. there was a call to worship and then a very meditative song and then i read. i started to read and said a little prayer i wouldn’t cry.

“Let your love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold on to what is good.

Love each other deeply. Honor others more than yourselves.

Never let the fire in your heart go out. Keep it alive. Serve the Lord.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who hurt you. Bless them, and do not curse them.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

Live in peace with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.

Don’t be proud.

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

there were more songs, more scripture. the next scripture was about justice and more peace. i felt the undoing of my soul. i was being called to love the people who i really don’t want to. the people i want to reject, the people who i think are so wrong. and then i started thinking about my job. i always feel so displaced, so proud. these aren’t “my people”, this is just my job.

what if they are? what if this is my call? part of me has been so rejecting of the idea because i have been seeking permanence. after talking with my mom, i realized maybe this is one stop on my journey. it is a journey afterall…don’t we get stuck when we aren’t willing to keep moving, keep learning, keep growing? i have hated church and all it represents for so many, i thought i left that place for good but i once again find myself in that little chapel with the candles, weeping, realizing i am being called to place my burdens and embrace these people and this place, if only for awhile. but it isn’t just the church, it’s my country. how can we change minds and hearts if we don’t love? i don’t know how exactly to even begin. i guess it is baby steps, and so far as it depends on me, living peaceably with all..

a brief history of taize

taize refers to an ecumenical community begun by brother roger in 1940 in a semi-abandoned village in burgandy, france. today tens of thousands of people visit the community each year to spend a week going to the roots of the christian faith. their worship is extremely calm, peaceful, meditative combination of prayer, silence, scripture reading and repetitive chant-like songs.

from a happier day… 

jorge and i were up into 1 am deeply involved in a nasty argument. we really do not discuss politics, we haven’t for years. everytime we start to it quickly heads south and we agree to not go there. we have survived our political differences through humor, lots of it and jon stewart. i swear to god, the man has helped keep my political marriage together.

so yesterday was a bad day. i didn’t feel bitter and angry, just really sad. jorge was trying to respectfully keep his cheerfulness to a minimum around me but i must say by 11pm we were both too tired to use even humor. so i walked down that road (you know the one that always ends up by the river) and drug him with me. he really didn’t want to go, but i had to go, it’s been so long. i wasn’t sorry we talked about it, i guess i was hoping something had changed but it really hasn’t.

at one point, the conversation turned personal, “if you want things to change YOU have to do it, not some asshole in washington.” the accusation that i am not do anything stung and angered me but secretly i knew he was right.

not that i’m not doing anything, but lately i have been feeling like i am not doing enough. and i certainly was not practicing the tolerance and peace that i have been soapboxing about. we are just so far on some things, it’s hard for me to see how we can come together. i guess that is what our country is facing today too. i don’t feel like uniting, i feel disappointed but i hope i can figure it out. i hope i can get my head around it.

so we renewed our solemn vow to not discuss politics, to watch some jon stewart, to laugh. it is far from understanding each other but for now i think it is the peace we can do. and whether we agree or not, i am convicted again, pushing me to action. for that, i am grateful to be married to jorge, even if he does occasionally remind me of the other george.

it didn’t really feel like a november morning. the air was warm and you could feel the excitement all around, even before we got to the polls. we moved a year ago to our little green house and this is the first time we have voted at our little school precinct.

there’s been lots of talk about this school as josiah is getting closer and closer to kindergarten. we live in an old richmond neighborhood with lots of elderly people whose homes are now their havens. it’s been a long time since the joy of children playing has filled the street, since they had trick or treaters, or since the lawns have been littered with bikes and balls. the trees are so tall and they are finally shedding their leaves like they have done so many years before. this quiet little street is changing like the leaves. the ghetto isn’t far now, sometimes we hear gunshots late at night, i know the old people are afraid.

so naturally, we are concerned about this little school that could be josiah’s. i’ve never even been there so i’m anxious to learn more about our community, to mingle with the neighbors i don’t know, to see the school, to contribute to the place where i live.

we drove down the road with our windows down, i love this place, i love how it feels. i just can’t do suburbia, i love a place with history, i love a place where people are buying their first home, where people have lived for 50 years, a place where someone can see hope when others just don’t. i always feel dreamy during fall anyway, i don’t know why. maybe it’s because i grew up in a seasonless place and i always secretly hoped i would live where the leaves change. this just doesn’t feel like the ghetto, it feels hopeful.

josiah and i chatted about our day, and made our way to the school. there didn’t seem to be too many cars so i didn’t think it would take too long. an old african american woman greeted us as we walked up, she placed a sticker right on my left breast and said, “oh honey, you vote for john kerry now dear.” i smiled and told her i would. we passed a long line of others handing us papers and asking for our vote. we entered to find a very long line, lots of older people, and young women, predominately african american. i am explaining the process to josiah as we get into the line. he’s seems interested and asks lots of questions. before long my boys are entertaining the people in the line with their questions and games. the people look tired but content to fulfill their civic duty. everyone is chatting, discussing the turnout, and i am struck by the patience and sense of community.

i remembered the last time i voted, we lived in a nicer area. there were 15 booths, you were in and out in about 5 minutes. this school had 4 booths, all from 1950. they were the kind that have the big red lever that open and closes the curtain while it punches your vote. everything is slower, not as fancy and the people don’t seem to know the difference. it almost represents the differences in the ways the people live their lives, the opportunities they have, what they have to offer their children. i look at the pictures of the kids on the wall. i just start thinking about josiah and his future. it feels wrong not to invest our time and energy in this place where we live, in the kids, not just our own. but part of me knows that this might be at the expense of josiah. but am i just teaching a different value? that maybe we work towards bettering a community for all? i think about josiah being a minority. i wonder if we would be received into another culture. one that has been wounded by my race, one that still isn’t integrated in our shared community. my heart starts to feel heavy, i feel very conflicted and kinda sad.

and then i glance up to see the old ladies smiling at my boys, talking about their own grandchildren, telling stories.

i casually ask josiah who he would vote for, “george bush or john kerry?”

“i just don’t know mama.”

“so you are undecided?” the whole line of people starts to laugh.

we go in the tiny gray booth, jack, josiah and i. i vote and the boys proudly hold their hands out to receive the “i voted” stickers. the same line of volunteers we passed when we came in thank us as we walk out.

“i hope my guys wins.”

“me too mama.”

i get in my car and call jorge.

“babe, i didn’t think the school looked that bad. the neighborhood was so great.” says jorge.

i smile and drive away, are we being called to this place? i don’t know. but everything in my life seems to be calling me to more…

shaggy & scooby

well, halloween is over, the sugar induced coma should hit any moment now…

we all were up during the wee hours of hallows eve. i spent way too much time making costumes and had absolutely nothing ready for church on sunday morning. at midnight, i was working on a handout for the parents about collecting vitamins for an orphanage in russia we support while jack and josiah found my “personal items”.

josiah was pretending the tampons were sticks of dynamite and jack thought the pantyliners were the best stickers ever. hot wheel cars and tampons were flying through the air while jack sorted his pretty pink “stickers”.

this is after a week of making costumes, it was one of those projects that seems simple enough until you are actually doing it.

josiah tried on his green shaggy shirt.

“mom, i think this is too big. i’ll just be a fireman…”

and then there’s jack who earlier had a serious tantrum over the fact that he could not wear his scooby-doo collar because the glue was drying but now wants nothing to do with it. and the tail, jorge said it was too long so i cut it down and then jack was deeply disturbed that there was something hanging off of the back of him…this was his protest in the picture above.

and then somehow the magic of halloween hits. we arrived at the family festival at the church where i work. jack instantly forgot his costume even existed and josiah was mesmerized by the huge blow up slide. they played silly carnival games, ate cold hot dogs and got glow-in-the-dark necklaces that were way too big. they had no interest in entering the costume contest which is really just a parent award anyway. they had a glorious time.

so now we are home in our incredibly messy house thanking our lucky stars for the extra hour of sleep tomorrow morning as we have yet to adjust to the time change.

we love you halloween…

me: jack, i need to change your diaper, come here!

josiah: run jack run! (and shrieking)

jack: runs as fast as he can while laughing

me: i’m gonna get you! (as i tackle jack to the floor)

josiah: i’ll save you jack!

jack: still laughing

josiah is pulling his arm, the diaper is off, jack is wiggling and growling at me (he does this to the cats too)

me: oh, you guys are going down!

n-a-k-e-d jack and josiah run to the bed, tickling ensues

we laugh until it hurts

jack finally gets a diaper

what am i gonna do when they are bigger than me and tag team against me?…i hope there is still tickling and laughing till it hurts…

so here’s jackson, isn’t he sweet? those are the new cells that could prolong his life and help him fight his krabbe’s disease. i just want to cry when i see him but i know today is a very hopeful day.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future!”

much love and peace jackson….

http://www.jacksonwhite.com

my mom took this one in march…

josiah’s family

shopping at wal-mart is rarely ever a healing experience for me. it is usually one that is stressful and frustrating but dammit, they have the lowest prices in town. so we accept the experience for what it is and buy an ungodly amount of ice cream to make it through, plus melting ice cream is inspiration enough to shop as fast as you possibly can.

last night however, was much different. i got a call from my dad in the middle of the toothpaste aisle. we were in no rush, jorge was late again so i parked my kids in front of the fish tank and listened for awhile. my dad and i have a complicated relationship that is fraught with lots of misunderstanding and much love. we have never really talked about this before but i guess wal-mart is as good a place as any. i listened to my dad tell me the stories of his childhood, some things i never really knew. i could hear the pain in his voice and also some healing. i was struck by his continued desire to learn and grow, even at 60. we ended exchanging our feelings for one another and some of the anger and bitterness in my heart was melted by my dad’s honesty, his desire to try, to give what he has.

i came home, fed the boys and crawled in to bed. my friday routine has ended up getting cozy in my bed with some take-out and the clicker. i just recently became addicted to the show six feet under so i’m catching up on all the old episodes on friday night from 9-11pm est. i love the writing on the show, it’s just so good. by friday night of a long week during jorge’s busy season i am more than ready to watch someone else’s dysfunctional family. it feels so familiar and warm…

the episode last night was about nate’s brain surgery. he waited to tell his mom about any of it until 2 days before the surgery. she was so hurt, she internalized until the morning of the surgery.

mom: “what is wrong with me that you didn’t tell me?”

nate: “i didn’t want to worry you.”

mom: “but it’s my job to protect you.”

nate: “but mom, you can’t protect me from this.”

mom (crying): “but it’s my job to TRY, it’s in the trying that a person feels loved, i could have loved you better all these weeks.”

i start to cry. it’s in the trying, it’s in the trying… i could feel my dad’s love in a way i have never felt it before. as long as we try, we are expressing our love. i know i will fail my boys, my dad has failed me but i don’t doubt his love. we have to keep trying, till we are old, till we die.

we jumped in the car almost an hour late for school this morning. it was cool and sun was shining, a most perfect day. jack had on josiah’s hand me downs and looked so cute. there is something about clothing in retrospect, like now that they are hand me downs the oufits go together better. the worn clothes have known happiness, and lots of serious play. it’s the history or something, i don’t know. but jack looks different in them, he has made them his own and they say something totally different. i love this…

i was feeling a little pensive after a weekend of working on the zine. it is close, very close to being done. so close that you can almost start to believe you might actually finish something you set out to do. not a task like the dishes, or even taking a trip you always imagined. it’s more like fulfilling a wish from your soul. it’s exhilarating and also a little bit scary. i just kept thinking, “damn, maybe it’s too jesusy”. this is on my mind because i’m getting phone calls from jen who is on a trip with an old friend from christian college. my, things have changed, and it’s hard. i just don’t want to be misunderstood, is my heart conveyed? and then it just hits me…misunderstood? i don’t even understand myself!

my old faith was so easy. you followed the rules, you did it the best you possibly could. there was lots of guilt and shame but there was also a weird peace and commonness. i loved the peace but hated the guilt. i loved someone understanding my love for my faith but hated the judgment.

so i shed most of it and this new faith, it’s so hard. there is so much more grey, sometimes i’m not sure what i believe or what is true. this faith calls me to action, i can’t just follow the rules. i question almost everything and sometimes feel more alone but my world is so much deeper. it requires all of me. it’s about so much more.

but the busyness of the morning only allows so much contemplation and reflection. it’s back to trying to fasten wiggly boys into car seats and making promises of park adventures after school.

i turn on the car and the music is loud. jorge left it on when he went to buy pizza the night before. it’s the black-eyed peas, thank you god, a sermon for my weary soul.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder

As I’m gettin’ older, y’all, people gets colder

Most of us only care about money makin’

Selfishness got us followin’ our wrong direction

Wrong information always shown by the media

Negative images is the main criteria

Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria

Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinemaYo’,

whatever happened to the values of humanity

Whatever happened to the fairness in equality

Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity

Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity

That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin’ under

That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin’ down

There’s no wonder why sometimes I’m feelin’ under

Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found

Now ask yourself

Where is the love?

i put all the windows down and sung my heart out on the chippenham parkway.

“josiah, this is the music for our day buddy!”

jack is bobbing his head up and down to the beat. i’ve heard this song a million times but the blessing was great today. it’s okay, i don’t have to be understood, i just have to share my soul. i gotta keep my faith alive until love is found.

maybe i don’t have to ditch the hand me downs of my faith, maybe i mix them with new clothes to make them my own. maybe i just keep trying them on until they fit, until they are mine…