Kindnessgirl

Do you see this face? This is the face of pure goodness. It’s the reason I wanted the man in the first place, it didn’t hurt that he is so easy on the eyes too. This is the text I got from him at 2am last night on his way home from hanging out with some buddies and singing karaoke:

“Just picked up a guy that is desperate for some food… taking him to mcdonalds”

The place in my pregnant heart where everything feels bigger jumped into my throat but I had not yet panicked. I call him, no answer. I call 9 more times in a row, no answer. I call his best friend, still somewhat calm but more nervous. He answers, listens and offers to call. He gets no answer, I go into hysterics.

Jorge finally calls, I freak (and I’m not prone to freak), he drops the poor guy off halfway to his destination in Churchill. I cry until he gets home…

The reason he never answered the phone: because he was inside, listening to the guy and his story, being kind…

I lay my head down on the pillow and can’t help but think about my dad. The ultimate friend to strangers and wanderers. I wonder how my mom did it, maybe it was a different time, maybe they just trusted the world, maybe kindness protected him.

I am pained that I was so afraid. My head was spinning with statistics of homelessness and mental illness…addiction…and yet I know and have been in these situations myself so many times before….Sometimes you have a sixth sense, sometimes you just know, and sometimes you are wrong. So we are careful and calculated, we guard our hearts, we hold back to protect other people we love, sometimes we do nothing at all…and many times this is an appropriate response.

“No one has ever done anything like this for me before, thanks man, you are like my guardian angel…” the old man says to my kindness husband.

“Awww….I’m no angel…” he replies.

I wake with an emotional hangover, not sure what to think. I feel a little silly, my husband is still horrified he scared me. And I wonder, outside of the moments when physical safety wins out, have we let fear take up too much space in us? Have we separated ourselves from the humanness right around? The kind that stands before us but over time has become fuzzy and hard to see. What are we really protecting? We tell ourselves stories to soothe the conscious but the greater risk lies in muffling our intuition.

The mental chatter wins while I do the dishes, the candle is lit though…hoping it will take me to the places I need to go.

My friend Kristin reminds me every once in a while of the way things used to be. People living in tribes and villages, or your grandmother living down the street, an adopted auntie who buys you new pajamas every christmas.

While I’m sure this made life complicated due to many an annoying old elder or mother-in-law, these are also the same people that pass babies around and cook for you. Besides, there were always adopted sisters/friends to complain to. This is the tribe. People that circle when you face something hard, everyone offering what they have to get you through. People, families, communities, the world, just work better with them. In fact, we need them more than we know.

Because of my own little urban village, I have discovered new parts of strength I didn’t really know about before. I always knew it was within but it’s the gathering and offerings that have brought me to a new place of understanding.

Strength is found in tiny exchanges of love. It’s been given in small ways, I hold it in my hand for a little while until it’s gone and then someone else hands me another tiny pile.

It’s a neighborhood friend that accepts your two-year-old’s blueberry offerings every single time, even after she’s eaten 57,000. It’s sitting next to your partner for 8 hours while he lets you tweak the minutia of your new blog. It’s lounging in the pool with a sister until your toes are like raisins, because you have exhausted every topic of family annoyance. It’s short e-mails from a friend reminding you everything is going to be okay, and you believe her because she’s been to dark places. It’s a phone call from a wise woman who tells you to listen to mother mary and let it be.

And I feel stronger until I am weak again, the villagers keep passing the piles until I won’t need them anymore. and then I’ll hand them to someone else, until everyone is strong…

How do you say you’ve had a very rough 6 months….no one wants to hear crisis talk for that long and you aren’t sure you want to vomit about it either. …but then you look back on your blog and realize you’ve only been writing about the dreamy/hopeful experiences that have gotten you through. This makes it appear that you live in a veritable fairy land…when actually, you are hopelessly flawed which requires you to stand in a state of grace/kindness ALL the time…

and then you are thankful….for the tiny bit of magic in your family, that you are just trying to find your way like everyone else, that you are WAY too intense, that this thing called kindness follows you around, that everyday you will find new ways to tell the whole story, that you are kind of a mess, that in the end, this is your small gift to the world…

There are moments when you must find the part of you that knows you best, especially when your soul is weak. When I am unable to find it, I just run to nature for she almost always knows the way.

I called frantically this morning….”Please be open, please be open….”. The recording came on, the blueberry patch was ready to offer all it’s goodness to my tired and depleted mind.

I follow my children as they run under the tiny branches, they fit perfectly while I duck and push my way through the grove. Clusters of blueberries hang from every branch, they are everywhere we turn, different shades of blue and purple. It feels as though we are in a C.S. Lewis book. My soul is the most peaceful it’s been in months.

“Can you guys believe this?” I say.

“Nature is awesome!” Josiah yells.

“I can’t stop eating them…” Jack replies.

“You can’t resist nature…” Josiah responds. It’s so true. I can’t resist nature, it can travel to almost any place in my heart leaving behind a healing salve. The air is unseasonably cool and we imagine we are birds living in a blueberry forest.

Lucy picks white unripe berries because they are different. I find Jack playing rock, paper, scissors with a bush. Josiah asks who is winning, Jack sighs and says the trees always win. Josiah leads and takes us to the quietest place that almost seems untouched. I pick and pick and pick…soaking it in because the kindness of this place is so sweet.

8lbs. of berries and a few scrapes later, we drove to eat pizza and then deliver berry goodwill to neighborhood friends. Knocking on doors, playing blueberry delivery guy, proselytizing the power of the superfood is almost as fun as picking. and my true north…

My Boys-photo by jen lemen and posted at shuttersisters

Charlie and Sam came over yesterday, they are the same ages of my boys. It’s good when things are in pairs, everybody needs a partner. I casually looked out the window and saw a child literally flying through the air.

The foursome were on our water slide (and thank god i didn’t pay that much for it)…the collective testosterone had multiplied the dare devil attempts. I think, although I’m not sure, they were trying to jump OVER the second hump. This makes the mother in me a little nervous but it makes the kid in me completely impressed.

I love the energy “more” brings….more boys, more running, more jumping, more pizza please, more pushing the limits of life- the body, the joy, a mother’s sanity. These are the virtues of little boys on a hot summer day.

I come from a family of exaggerators….our lineage feels like that of the Big Fish variety.  I have decided to settle and commit to the number I often use to enhance my exaggeration skills- it’s 57,000. It makes everything more dramatic and interesting.

it goes something like this..

“Babe, there were like 57,000 kids at that birthday party, never again am I going alone.”

“I could eat like 57,000 of them.” (strawberries just picked from the patch)

“I’ve only asked them 57,000 times to brush their teeth…blah, blah, blah”

what’s your number?

It only took me telling them 4 times that today would be screen free (no tv or computer) before they disappeared for awhile. They returned with this…

A message in a bottle, this was inside…

if you follow the arrow, you will find your prize

A unexpected treasure hunt? yep, these are my children. This is seriously the best thing that can happen to a mother all week. I was told this would help me find my way…

Lucy (who, btw, dressed herself, obviously) made this while the boys laid out the carefully hatched plan…

I was off on my adventure with lots of different paths to choose from.

The first path brought me here, I was excited to find out what was under this…

Unfortunately, all I found was this…

I didn’t give up, I picked another room only to find this…

I was getting a little discouraged until Jorge helped me out…he was on the last path and found the treasure.

An old ticket to Natural Bridge which Josiah is convinced is still good and a compass ring.

This time it was my turn to hide the treasure although Josiah was bummed there was no message.

The treasure, however, was very well received.

Compliments of Aunt Kate who mailed treats from Disney World. All in all, a good screen free day…

I overheard this while driving the other day. This is the conversation in the back seat.

The boys were trying to teach Lucy knock-knock jokes.

Boys: Lucy, knock-knock…

Boys: Luuuccccyyy, knock, knock…

Lucy: BOYS! I not a door, I a Lucy!

I have discovered that the first hour of being at the laundromat is fun, after that, it’s a toss up. It’s fun to load like 8 washers, get a zillion quarters out of the machine, and give the kids rides in the baskets but after awhile it can get a little hot and boring.

Except, of course, if there are strangers around. Who knew that girl loved funky thongs? And can you imagine only having to do like 2 loads a week? She just said #7 is the best dryer- note to self…

…but by the time it’s time to fold ALL 8 loads (at the same time) , everyone is cranky and ready to go home.

Today was different though. It was quiet and Lucy inherited some old dora magnetic/paper dolls sort of things from Kira and this seemed to keep her occupied for hours which gave me time to clean out my bag/purse. I came across this paper given to me by my friend Gina just the day before. It was an affirmation.

It says: It is going to be OKAY! …Actually, it’s going to be GREAT!

This affirmation was a result of a heady doula conversation about my birth. When doulas or birth enthusiasts have babies, their minds can travel so many more places because of all they know and have seen.

We were deep into my evaluation of optimal fetal positioning, a previous posterior presentation and how this would all affect my labor. I decided to throw in my projection of of this baby’s personality and how that will make it more interesting…in plain language- I was needlessly obsessing. Pregnant women are experts at this.

“Patience, you are over thinking this, you need an affirmation.” Gina said. She was so right.

“Awww, I’m too smart for affirmations right now.” I replied. What? Too smart? Did that just actually come out of my mouth? I meant I can psyche myself out of them too easily but come on! My heart was resisting.

Never mind that that the bulk of my work is writing blessings, holding space for affirmations to become true, promising to hold hope if others cannot or aren’t ready to…I underestimated the power of truth written on a tiny paper. I wasn’t sure it could be the same for me but luckily this time, I have Gina. She is my kindness girl.

I sat on the hard seat at the laundromat, I stared at the paper, it’s was working on my soul already. By the end of drying I decided this could be the best affirmation I had ever received. So simple but with lots of intention and hope. I want to kiss it! It was too good to hide in my own heart and mind, it had to be shared.

So I pulled out scrap papers out of my bag. I wrote the little phrase on the back of receipts and doodle papers. I hid them all over the laundromat while Lucy put our left over quarters in various machines.

You just never know when you’ll need an extra 5 minutes of time in the dryer for the towels that are still wet and the laundromat is the perfect place to discover that it will be okay, actually it’s going to be GREAT!

1. Kimmy from Shimmer.Glimpse

She’s smart, like really smart, you can see the wheels in her head turning when you talk to her. I’m pretty sure she’s about 10 steps ahead all the time. The best part is she’s honest in a really articulate way, it calls you to think and ask new questions. This mixed with a deep love for her family and neighborhood/community, a connection to nature and wholeness, and a soul-based way of life makes her someone you should know.

2. Amy from Knit…simply Knit

I admired Amy from a far for quite sometime before I really got to know her. I had to know her because her kids are some of the dearest I’ve ever met (and I’ve known A LOT in my day). My hunch that the mother had to be wonderful was dead on. Amy is one of those rare people that has a gentleness and strength all mixed together. She lives in an old farm house in the country that is so dreamy it has actually made a city girl like me consider a move just to be her neighbor. She is a knitting artist, a deep and tender soul and owns a spirituality rooted in kindness and truth.

You can find her art at www.sheknitsamy.etsy.com

and now at the Goochland Farmer’s Market every Saturday from 8am-12pm.

3. Jim Johns at My Values Journey

Jim is an emotional intelligence genius, no really, it’s the man’s job for a living. He knows every Myer’s Briggs, color, strength finder, work-related test under the sun. Besides being one of the nicest guys you’ve ever met, he’s famous in my mind because he’s married to my dear friend Nancy.

I love his blog because of the very practical, hands on approach to saving the world. The guy lights up at old copper pipes found in his father-in-law’s basement and coworkers who save cans for him to turn in for yet another donation for the work in Africa he is supporting. It’s everyday, it’s humble, and yet making a difference, just like Jim.

4. The Flobots

I LOVE when music and social change live together and get married. It doesn’t happen very often but The Flobots have it going on in a serious way. I can’t stop listening and feeling both kinda old and very hopeful. I am sure I am like 10 years too old for their music but I am totally addicted. It helps that my husband is ubercool this way and always has a pulse on the best bands. Their call for change, the deep belief in the power of their message, their very open and determined hearts will make a mark on even more than they can imagine. I’m sure of it.

It’s hot and very hazy in my new little neighborhood, the kindness is as thick as the air. I woke from a much needed rest this afternoon to Jorge standing at our bedroom door. “You aren’t going to believe this, 3 guys in a white truck just dropped a shed in our back yard. I think Therese and Paul did this.” he said. This shed being the answer to the rest of our storage woes. I never thought one could feel so much love from a shed.

“What? Was there a note? Who dropped it off? What?”, I replied.

“I don’t know, this was too much Patience.” He shakes his head, I can see how touched he is. He brings in a card with a Celtic home blessing, the words couldn’t be more perfect.

I want to cry, the lump is growing. It was guerilla-style…anonymous, a surprise…whoever did this knows me well. I pace around, not sure what to do, walking in a haze of love…

I start calling around to find some answers, this act of kindness was performed by my new neighbors. It was Ann, famous first in my heart for this, then this and this, and Melissa, my running doula, who always seems to appear to nurture me when crisis erupts. and then apparently, a whole HOST of other dear souls ( with jorge’s hunch about Tand P being right), I don’t even know how many or where to start expressing my thanks. It was probably the same group of women who organized 3 weeks of meals in my nausea-filled first trimester, or sat in a circle just a week ago trying to help me navigate new pitfalls in parenting, or have listened to my dribble time and time again. They are my tribe.

I feel hazy like the air, overwhelmed, but mostly I feel a deep sense of honor. You see, kindness has been following me my whole life. How did I get picked by the divine Mother, God, the universe, to experience and live in this space in such a deep and profound way? Kindness changes everything and anything, this I am sure of. That and the magical appearance of a shed on a hazy day can humble a large pregnant women into truly soaking up all the love the divine has to offer.

Do you remember the picks of last summer?

1. This summer is the summer when your mother makes you read…I know, totally boring but very necessary.

These are a good start:

Josiah- Prince Caspian

Riding bikes to a pizza dinner and movie date night to follow the finishing of the book. He’ll do almost anything for riding bikes together, pizza and movies.

Jack- Elmer and the Dragon

An after school program studying My Father’s Dragon had Jack completely obsessed with maps, knapsacks and dragons.

Lucy- All board books known to man. Animal picture books preferred.

2. Popsicle choice of the summer – we have returned to our old school ways. and you can eat like a 1,000 and never get sick of them. Verde is always gone first.

3. Josiah and I were daydreaming about going to one of these stores and a workshop after listening about them on NPR.

That Dave Eggers… TED award, awesome books, kind of screwed up like all good writers and artists, he’s my kind of guy…

The Superhero Supply Store in Brooklyn sounds like a great stop on a short summer vacation to NYC. a girl can dream…

4. I have a feeling Mika (Me) , The Flobots (Jorge and Josiah) and Queen (Jack’s new personal favorite) are the music choices of the summer.

I swear I hear “We are the Champions” at least 10 times a day.

Lucy is still holding strong to the Across the Universe soundtrack.

5. Picking blueberries, or picking anything for that matter. Picking is part of my spirituality, always touches me on a core level.

6. Going semi-vegetarian… for us this means eating veggie all week and ordering a Cuban sandwich at a restaurant on the weekend. Does that make any sense at all?

1. It still baffles me after 16 years of being with someone, there is still more to discover…I kind of hope it never ends.

I don’t think I have ever mentioned it here, but I have my babies at home (that means no drugs). I love and chose this way for a lot of reasons but mostly because of the level of care I have received. I thought Jorge thought this was just the way we do things and not something special. Apparently, he is proud- of me, this way, the birthing process in general. Who knew? Good information to have after 3 kids.

2. Last week Lucy made me crazy, dumbfounded actually, no, maybe just tired. What do I do with her? or not do? The further I get in parenting the more I feel have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I’ve been making some huge discoveries lately, I’m seeing stark differences that are new (or at least to me) in my kids. It could just be new development but it has me mildly obsessing.

I feel slightly humbled as I thought I had a handle and natural inclination on this parenting thing. It’s sad and good at the same time. Sad, realizing we might not have as much as common as I thought and have to find a new way to be. Good, as they are teaching me new things about themselves, me and the beauty of differences at the same time.

3. Small is definitely our speed. This little house feels more like home than the last 2 and more like our beloved old green house. I get this weird satisfaction from making it work. Cozy is good and it helps to have the coolest neighbors.

After the third day of moving, being tired of at yelling at kids who are just being kids, it was time to turn this truck o’ grouchiness around. We played a familiar game, 3 wishes, where everyone gets to say 3 wishes for themselves or for someone else. Given our state, I decided everyone should get to say what he/she was hoping for tonight during our bath.

Me:

1. I wish I wasn’t so tired and grouchy. I’m tired of yelling.

2. I wish we could go strawberry picking tomorrow and have a lovely dinner together.

3. I wish I would care about each person during this craziness and not be so uptight.

Jack:

1. I wish our baby was here.

2. I wish we were big brothers already.

3. I wish we were done moving.

Josiah:

1. I wish we didn’t have to go to anymore stores and wait a lot.

2. I wish we were all moved in.

3. I wish the Lego Indiana Jones game was here.

Lucy:

1. I wish I were a puppy dog.

2. I wish I was a kitty.

3. I wish I was a bubble.

I love wishes, they seem to open tiny doors and let everything out in the wide open even if they don’t always come true. We sat in the moment until it was time to wash hair. For some reason, maybe it was a hope to help Jackie who HATES to get his hair washed, but Lucy started feverishly rubbing his head with me.

“Look Jack, it’s like a hair blessing.” I said. Josiah put his hands in the magic mix. Six hands, lots o’ love, and Jack didn’t even mind the soap….
“We love you Jackie, these are blessings on your head.” I said.

“All you need is love Jackie!.” Josiah threw in.

Lucy just kept making the bubbles bigger and bigger.

Each kid got a turn and a tired day ended with wishes and blessings. “Can we do this every night?” Josiah asked. I don’t know, but I do know that I wish I did this more often. Let the yucky feelings hang in the air, giving them their place and then pouring love and hope on top. Who can’t use a wish, a kind touch and a blessing?
hair blessings on you this night…3 wishes anyone?

In an effort to keep this blog from becoming too Mary Poppins (another Julie A. favorite), I offer to you some recent family developments:

1. I was convinced Mother’s Day should be canceled a couple weeks ago. I had a huge revelation about Josiah and how I have been hurting his feelings due to personality differences…Luckily time is his love language and has given me a chance to look for different ways to understand and connect.

2. Jack has about 5 school bags, it’s because he is incapable of remembering or finding ANYTHING. He also completely unaware of dressing himself.  There hasn’t been one day this week that I haven’t had to ask him to turn his shirt inside out, or remind him that the zipper belongs in the FRONT of him on his shorts. He’s 5.

3. Lucy has reached a new level of drama. I heard her tell Jorge the other night in her highest voice, “Mama just doesn’t understand Papa, she doesn’t understand. I need my Josiah, I need my Jackie-boy.” Ummm…if this is what 2 is bringing, what does 13 look like?

4. I had my first official cry in the move-while-you- are-pregnant-to-a-smaller-house-with-no-storage phase that is my life currently. *sigh* this too shall pass…

I’ve been feeling all sorts of angsty lately.  I’m not sure if it is watching my sister carry a life long mission of hope to Rwanda or an old friend turn herself into a fitness model in 12 weeks, but I’ve been trying to figure out why all of this is stirring up so much in me.

I think it’s because something big is brewing, something besides my belly.

Angst is kind of like an old auntie. She can be annoying at moments but she always has good advice.  She shows you there is something new to uncover and experience, even if it takes some work to figure it out.

The trick is to listen and honor your own path for it always brings the greatest joy. So while I watch the loveliness of adventures to Rwanda and washboard abs, I think I found my next mountain.

It’s a marathon, not in size,  an actual marathon. I’ve discovered I really gain lots of energy from challenging and seeing what my body can do. I need a big goal, something I’m not totally sure I can do but want to try.

So, move to 1300sq. ft house with 5 people first, have a baby second, marathon 2009 third. Can you dig it? I’m feeling hopeful and better already.

Where is your old auntie taking you? follow her, she knows the way.

She left this morning. I feel she has been waiting her whole life for this moment but it’s really just the beginning. She is the queen of hope, and now she is taking her light to faraway lands.

Ever since I was a little girl she has held it in her hands, offering to all she meets. This power sometimes felt like a mixed blessing, it needed time to mature and grow. All the longing and angst is over now, the process, these people, everything was ready for her wide open heart. I have a feeling Rwanda holds a gift almost as big as her….may the two share all they have with each other.

traveling mercies and love….

kg

I am always nervous before I go for a sonogram. I find myself watching the discovery health shows the night before. I spend the rest of the evening convincing myself all will be well when they tell me I am in fact having a dwarf baby the next day. The weird part is, I do think I would be okay.

We sat in the waiting room with a wiggly Lucy requesting that we draw various animals on the back of crumbled up papers found in my bag. I laughed at Jorge’s attempts at a cow.

Renee never opens the waiting room door, she just calls my name in a loud bellow from the next room.

“I remember you, I did this pretty one right here right? That was a long time ago and you’re back again.” the big, lovely African- American woman says.

“He just keeps getting me in trouble, what can I say?”, I reply.

“Like you weren’t there?” she says with one eyebrow raised. I laugh.

“Yeah, thanks Renee.” Jorge agrees.

Lucy, Jorge and I file into the dark room. Lucy would prefer to lay on the table with me except I barely fit on the table myself. “Scoot over, there’s room for her.” the older woman persists. I give in because there is no crossing Renee or Lucy for that matter. They understand each other even though the last time they met was when Lucy was only a shadow on the screen above.

We all stare in amazement at how busy this baby is. Jorge’s goofy grin returns, it’s the one reserved for all things baby.

“My, my, look at that.” Renee says.

“Spill it Renee, we’re dyin’ here.” I say.

She makes us wait as she spells our news on the screen. Girl. I instantly feel a camaraderie with Lucy and her sister. We are the girls now, equal in number to the boys. It’s all too cheesily perfect. I never walk in with preferences and I always walk out feeling that things are exactly as they should be. Everyone is especially giddy today.

“Oh wow!” Jorge says. I smile.

“I’m hungry mama.” Lucy says. “Didn’t you bring her some snacks?” Renee asks.

“I know, I know, I was too excited, I forgot.” Renee ignores me in deep effort to get her measurements. This baby girl is not cooperating. She is way too busy to stay still for pictures. The minutes pass and I gently urge her to be kind to Renee.

“Oh, she’s not gonna do it, she has too much goin’ on girl.” Renee insists. My girl stops for a brief second and Renee gets the shot. “I guess she’s listenin’ to you.”

We laugh, tell a few more stories, and gather our things to leave.

“You have a good Mother’s Day now. ” she instructs as we leave.

“Do you have any babies of your own Renee?” I ask.

“No, just these babies here…” she says.

“Well, that’s lots of motherin’, so Happy Mother’s Day to you….”

It’s just that some woman carry the motherin’ for us all. They call us out, they listen and nod, laugh when we are being ridiculous, they remind us of truth within, they remember the place we are in, they bring peace to our chaos, they are constant.

All the mothers in the world, so divinely placed, we honor you. Please feel our love and know we would be a puddle on the ground with out you. Of course, you would tell us we would be just fine.

And we are, just knowing you are there, in dark sonogram rooms, grocery store aisles, next door, a phone call away…

Blessings on your head.

Could he be any dreamier?

I love in the spring and fall when you open all the windows and it feels like the outside is inside. The air flows almost as if there are no walls and your bed is in the middle of a field somewhere. Practically living in the park helps the whole experience. The house is just okay, no real charm, no rich soul in it. I guess it has left it all to the nature that surrounds us. The greedy person in me wishes for both.

As we are preparing to move to a new place in our city (yet again), I am soaking all the loveliness in while wondering what the next space holds. We crave change in our family, we get restless looking for the next place to explore. We are all like this, no one blinks an eye at the idea of packing up and moving on. This disturbs me just a tiny bit wondering if my children have any roots at all.

“Home is wherever we all are, it’s in us, not the place.” Jorge says. This makes perfect sense, for now anyway. The roots are deeper than I realized and growing all the time, leaving the ones of my origin, digging deeper into the soil of this family, unmovable yet willing to travel anywhere together…

This is my kitchen candle…if I have ever told you I would light a candle for you, this is the one. I stick little papers in the beads, they hold the prayers I sometimes can’t pray. To be honest, I couldn’t pray for a long time but I needed something. This candle has been a true friend, it has held the space for the feelings in my heart, the pain of others, the fear of the unknown, the truth, the hope that all will be well.

I lit it for a dear friend several weeks ago, I knew it was the last time. The wick went to the very end, it burnt out just a few minutes after she called to tell me everything was okay. I haven’t had the heart to replace it. It’s all so silly really, it’s just a candle but it saw my soul through many late nights and early mornings.

I don’t ever write about my kindness stories on this blog. I often feel they aren’t mine to tell. I don’t really do that much except hold a little space for sadness, hope, strength or just be in a moment. or maybe just light a candle…

It has been quiet lately in my work, I have been pulling inward to my own soul tending. Dear ones around me have noticed and dropped all sorts of loveliness on my door while I hibernate. It seems I have finally found the surface and shortly after I got a call this week in a timing that only the universe could know. This call definitely required a candle burning…it wasn’t nearly as hard as I had anticipated to say goodbye and let a new light shine.

Jorge and I have this little game, I keep lighting candles and he blows them out behind me as I would have them burning all night and when we are gone. I think he would prefer I don’t burn the house down. When I went to bed last night, he blew out the kitchen candle for me but I was so relieved to find the altar candle I had lit on the sly still burning this morning. This prayer just needed to burn through the night…this story,  well, we need a lot of candles burning. If the light calls to you like it does me, can you light one tonight?

the altar candle still burning…

is hearing your 2 year old sing The Beatles from her bedroom while she is playing.

“All you need is LOVE, all you need is LOVE, all you need is love, love, Love is all you need…”

i love this…

Jack: Wouldn’t it be great if we could draw ourselves and then erase it, then draw ourselves again?

That would be awesome! We could spend our whole lives chasing awesome!

My picture is scribbled and erased a million times over in my quest to chase awesome. I fear I love the eraser more than the pencil. I constantly look for tiny strokes out of place, working so hard to create the masterpiece in my mind. I get frustrated and sick of the art that is my life. I think, I strive, I try too hard.

This isn’t what my sage had in mind at all. Maybe it’s the idea that every day is wide open with possibilities, that awesome is right before us just waiting for us to draw her. What is in us to create today, what has been waiting to blow our minds, what does awesome look like tomorrow when the paper is brand new and white again?

This adventure of chasing awesome, I claim it today. My pencil is the prettiest one you have ever seen, and my picture, well, I can’t wait to see…

*feel free to share what awesome you are chasing today in the comments

I can’t stop listening to Jose Gonzalez. I’m not always sure what he is saying but it doesn’t matter. His songs have titles like Heartbeats and Sensing Owls, the sounds ring simple and true. His voice feels like security blanket of sorts and I am clinging to any and all comfort these days. Creamy foods, quiet music, candle light, my bed.

A return inward can reveal the ground beneath you, usually flat and firm. The dirt in between your toes reminding you of where you came and will someday return. Simply standing is not working for me. Nothing feels stable to me, instead I am on my knees, or lying with my ear to the ground, hoping that every part of me is connecting to mother earth.

I feel her close to my face and then kindness rains mixing with her earth, the truth and love. The place closest to the deepest and truest part of me is all around. Everything telling me I am alive, safe and well, maybe even better than ever before…

As if I need any more reasons to love the man….

Except he does refer to me as “the wife” on his blog. I’m not sure what to think about that one.

1. He beat me to the punch- I’ve been walking around declaring my love for Eddie Vedder a lot lately. Lucy and I have been listening to the Into the Wild soundtrack all week. The husband has the video for Eddie’s new song No More written for this movie.  Ellen Spiro’s bio alone makes me want to see the documentary film. She looks like someone I wish I could have over for dinner.

2. There wasn’t a birthday altar expressing our love and blessings, the bowling party was thrown together at the last minute, this was Josiah’s birthday…I think Jorge’s letter and the fact that we brought donuts instead of cupcakes to school saved the day.

2 things:

1. I think we could seriously have a problem with our addiction to Enchanted. We watch it (ALL of us) almost every day, even if it’s on for background loveliness. Jorge thought we should watch it after we watched a crappy movie, just to redeem our day.

I don’t thing we have ever had a collective addiction together. Who can blame us? You have to feel joy watching it…

2. I’m starting to think Jack should write a book. His 5 year old soul is so freaking connected right now. I think each of my kids has this superpower in a different way, actually we all do.

so here is the word from Jack today –

Josiah and Jack were lobbying to buy a new video game. They pooled their money together but Jack was carrying like 80% of the weight.

Me: “Jack are you sure you want to do this, this is ALL of your money? Are you sure this is what you want? (in my head- and you aren’t being convinced by your sometimes persuasive older brother?)

Josiah: (who makes me feel like a loser for my previous thought) Yeah Jack, it’s a lot of money, I don’t want you to give it all to that, maybe it’s too much.

Jack: Mom, mom, I don’t care about money mom, it’s about joy! That’s what people think about mom. ( i think he meant care, not think)

I do not know where he came from, seriously…

welcome yoshi’s island…bring your joy because it’s all about joy….

the title is for you old amy grant fans…

A sore throat, fever and a test of love kept us from our kindness adventures today. We had a grand day planned- guerrilla goodness and then we were off to celebrate Lucy Goode Brooks at a local event held in her honor.

Lucy was born into slavery to an African American woman and a white man who we don’t know much about. Lucy’s owner allowed her to marry another slave, Albert Brooks. She learned to read and soon taught Albert. This skill which was scarce among her peers and proved to be very valuable through out her life.

She tried desperately to keep her family together, so many families had been torn apart. She managed to keep 3 children with her and the others to places and people she knew. Her oldest daughter, Margaret Anne was sold after an owner changed his mind on a pledge he had made to Lucy. Her girl was gone to Tennessee, she was devastated. She later received word that Margaret had died.

The war ended, Albert was able to purchase their freedom from their owner. Lucy, the head of her sewing circle had an idea. She gathered her friends and approached the Quakers for help. She wanted to start an orphanage for slave children who had been displaced by slavery and war. This former slave and her friends convinced the city to deed her land in the JacksonWard area to care for those left and alone. The Friends’ Asylum for Colored Orphans was opened in 1872.

Although it has changed over time, this organization still operates today, 136 years later. The Friends Association serves the community by providing services and resources to families, a way to uncover all the potential inside, and a firm but loving guide to finding a healthy and successful path for over 4000.

I hold Lucy’s story very close to my heart. I picture her feisty and strong, an advocate during a time when she was not even considered or treated as a human being. I think of the partnership she must have had with Albert. Her struggle and resolve…Her strength has shown me that love will always find a way.

Love is an admirer of tenacity and a keeper of hope, it sees right through the dark all around, it is the place where truth and goodness meet. The struggle is sometimes great, which is the best time for love to prove herself. I have been called to hold this faith very close and very tight this weekend. Every time I start to lose my grip, love has pulled me tighter, reminding me of the strength and my TRUST in the way home…

you are my home

for j

to learn more about Lucy and the bracelet telling her story and honoring her life go to http://www.friendsassn.org

I love getting packages….brown paper packages tied up with string.

I could barely contain myself yesterday when the brown box was sitting on my front porch. I think my kids were more excited than I was….this is definitely a guerrilla goodness project to do with kids.

While my husband is out playing golf somewhere on Saturday ( he needs it desperately) we will be leaving magic wands all over our city with messages of encouragement and empowerment. Actually, this could go a million different ways but if you feel inspired to join, you can take it any way you wish…

here are a few messages we have so far…

YOU are Magic!

Be the Magic you want to see in the world.

Kindness is like Magic- practice some today.

Today is FULL of possibilities!

You have the power to change the world! (josiah’s idea)

You are powerful!

Jack’s vote is to start with the ice cream place to leave these little treasures. So here we go!!!!! If you decide you want to spread some magic, here is where we got the wands or send me your address(thekindnessgirl@gmaildotcom ) and I’ll send you a few to start your own guerrilla goodness adventure. We’ll post pictures on Monday…

p.s. we bought the good old school black and white wands too for the purists in the world…

Jack standing in front of the mirror this afternoon:

“Hi”!

“Is it you?”

“It is you!”

(in a whisper)”You are so handsome…”

“Thanks, you are too. ”

I was dying, SO wishing I could have seen his face…He is his father’s son.