Kindnessgirl

I figured out we have an extremely high need to love mammals in this family….and since the child quota is filled, we’ve started adding dogs. I am still reluctant about this new addition but I’m pretty sure he is weasling his way into my heart, slowly, because he is a little more work than I thought he was going to be. He is confident and kind of grouchy at times, and likes to play…all new experiences for us from the dog world.

This is the real sucker in the family, it takes about 2 seconds flat for any human, dog, animal, being, to be wrapped around this guy.

I asked him if I could take his picture. Not his most favorite but it must have been the look in my eye, he said yes. At the end of our short session, he took this picture of me…no make up, no walls, wrinkles, tired yet open, the cup starting to fill once again. That smile was for him…just moments ago right after this picture…

…I told him I really felt his love, his care and it meant a lot. He told me to put down the camera.
I dropped it to my waist.
“No, put the camera DOWN.” he insisted.
“I’m not shooting, I promise.” I explained.
He gave me a look as if to say, “just do it”. I laid it down, and he dove into my arms.
“You were always mine, ever since you were a baby.” I whispered.
“I know.” he said as he squeezed a little harder.

And yet, I’ve always been scared of this time…the time when they grow beyond you and away….away. How will it be? Knowing how life changes and should.
I gave them my heart so long ago, so willingly and lately I think they know it in a new way and have carried mine so tenderly in return. I have no expectation or need for them to, love flows from the top down, kids never holding more than they should but their kindness, their awareness, their way…well, I am so grateful. Everyday that goes by and they grow, I pray I remember days just like this, when for just a moment, they held my heart.

photo and art by jen lemen

What would you tell the girl, the weary, tired, overwhelmed way too intense girl inside?

maybe that….

there is grace for you.
you are safe.
nothing really, truly has to get done.
it’s okay if it unfolds differently than you planned.
maybe it is time to rest, just for awhile.
you can say what you need and trust you can get it.
you don’t have to be angry or frustrated to be cared for.
you are doing really good work and trying hard.
you don’t have to worry so much, what will be will be.
you can believe in the path unfolding.
there is always a way out and in.
let love hold you, don’t be so strong.

These are all the things I am telling the girl inside of me today. I stumbled upon Jen’s blog today to find all the things she has heard and told to so many more…go see and take in her art, I’m almost certain there will be something there for you, something your girl has been waiting to hear.

What do you wish someone would tell you today?

my view from the couch

Thank God for Ben Folds…how does he always know what to say? He has a song for every shadow thought I’ve ever had. All day I’ve been listening to this song . I let myself kind of feel everything dark for just a little while…while slowly soaking in the thought that I’ve stood on both ends of the song.

It seems that whenever my own crap creeps to the surface, my instinct is to very quickly shut the doors of my heart. Throw down that lock to wait out the dark, because to feel it, to see it, to really look at it is so damn hard…so awkward, so un-doing, so humbling, so human. I try to avoid humanity apparently, which only ends up exposing just how human I really am. So the work before me recently has been to open the door, to push it open, to stand in the door way and be kind of undone.

I am exhausted, but half the door is open and that is good enough for now. I must do it…I must because…

I refuse to believe that people can’t change.

I refuse to believe we can’t forgive each other.

I refuse to believe that conflict can’t lead to very genuine and sometimes vulnerable honesty that produces compassion and understanding.

I refuse to believe we are meant to stay in this place.

I refuse to believe that there is no kindness magic.

I refuse to believe that love can not cover every hurting place in our hearts, even that which is deep and unseen.

I refuse to believe kindness can not change everything…

and so this door, even half open, will show me everything I need to know. and more…

what do you refuse to believe?

It seems Josiah and I have been in all the same places lately. We are standing at new adventures, new tasks, his was mountain biking with a new bike with brakes, mine is a new job doing social media for a local hospital. I think we both assumed it would be a breeze. Instead, the challenges have unfolded in ways we didn’t really expect. Before you know it, the feeling washes over you…

Whoa, this is hard! Why is this hard? I didn’t sign up for this! What if I can’t do this? like at all. What if I fail?

…and then you do. You wipeout big time, because sometimes that really is the only way to learn. And you feel a little beat down, sad and scared but you know the only real choice is to get up, brush yourself off, and try again. The thing is, there is no guarantee it won’t happen again. I watch others around me who hold the same fear, but dive in completely with their whole heart while I carefully try to guard my own. Then there are some who inspire me because they know even if they are petrified, the end result beats it all.

So we stretch, fumble and try again, and each time failure seems less big and scary, but part of something bigger …and so much more.

Love is not consolation. It is light. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

There is something so profound about being so wanted. This little guy was welcomed into the world with such joy and love…Thank you Mellissa and Andy for allowing me to watch it unfold and capture just a tiny bit of your great love.

It was an idea that came to us while layin’ around just shootin’ the breeze. The best ideas always unfold that way it seems. Yes! A Harry Potter dinner sounds perfect…and the thrifting, planning, scheming began. We spent hours looking at cool old junk in thrift stores, planned a menu together, found out dry ice is the most exciting thing EVER, talked endlessly about Harry Potter authenticity! It was one of the most fun nights/events I have had in a long time. I kept thinking to myself, “Why, oh why don’t I do more of this stuff with my kids?”. I decided these are the things, the stuff for pure fun, no holiday, no birthday, just because, are the real memory makers. We must do MORE!

You can see the rest of the Harry Potter magic pictures here.

I love it on Monday nights…

when we eat by lantern light alone.

when it is a media free night and everyone forgets to whine because they are so engrossed in their art.

when fall is kissing us on the cheek and invites us to open all the windows.

when creating your own comic books are all the rage.

when Cloud Boy gets a whole new book and then instantly becomes a series.

when Fire Boy accidentally becomes friends with his once nemesis Life Boy. 

when there is great discussion about how to turn your very own characters into costumes for Halloween.

when little girls play and start to become real sisters.

when you actually clean the kitchen because there is no cute boy/husband to distract you. You need this time every once in a while.

when everyone is in bed at a reasonable hour and you are alone in the quiet, where the only thing you can hear is the kindness of your house.

when the dog sits on your feet and lays his head against your knees.

when you are so exhausted from taking on too much and vow to never do it again, yet you still feel grateful for all the chaos around you, for it is life…

She was my storm baby, an old soul born into a rough time. From the day she was born she has held a confident presence, so sure of herself, her place, her needs. She is untouched by the family chaos, jumps quickly into joy, and so generous with her love. She is adored as the baby always is…she is our grace, happy birthday Lyra Grace.

The kids got up early to make cards for the birthday altar and greet her when she woke…

Some of the wishes and blessings would be beneficial for more than one family member. I mean, who can resist wishing a pony for someone else?

It isn’t a birthday until there is cake and a free for all on twizzlers…

May 2 hold even deeper joy, new adventures, and a pouring of kindness over you that reaches every last part of you and reveals the sacred path to growth and the power of your beautiful life …

The entire journal had words that have been foreign to me for so long… words like ambition, success, power, even rich. Yet all of these words were being called in for me from this little journal given to me by a dear friend. It was my birthday, a time when you reflect on all that has happened, all that hasn’t and all that will. I turned to the very last page of this sweet book and it read…

Everything can happen…

Not anything can happen, everything can happen…and I began to wonder if more than one good thing in my heart can happen. If there is more than one idea, one hope, one dream…what if all of what I need can happen, every last thing, Everything Can Happen.
It suddenly felt so profound. To ask, to believe, to stand in this way of thinking and being.
I put the book down, grabbed my trusty chalk and ran out to the soul blackboard.

When I was done chalking my new manifesto, I dusted off hands by rubbing them together in a spit-spot kind of way, just like Mary Poppins after cleaning the nursery with her magic and a spoon full of sugar. I felt as though it was done, all of it.

I am here 34th year of life, and everything can happen…

Fridays are show and tell at school and Jack is always searching for just the right thing to take. He bounded down the stairs with a carefully crafted diamond made out of Legos.

“Jack, didn’t you take a Lego creation last week?” I said.
“What can I say? I’m a Lego geek!” he replied.
“Hey, I’m the Lego guy in this family!” Josiah quickly shot in.

My own childhood started gushing in my head the way it does in certain moments of parenting. Everything you have ever thought or felt as a kid is all right there in a flash of a moment. Sometimes this can be painful and we start doing all kinds of projecting but other times it feels more like an opportunity to educate. If ever there was a teaching moment, this was it… read the rest here.

I live really close to a beautiful park, it is just one of the 437 reasons why this new house makes me so happy. A group of kids in the neighborhood have turned the tennis courts into their very own skate park. They have built ramps, set it all up, it’s smart and so beyond hipster cool. I wandered over the other day and asked if anyone there wanted pictures. I was super nervous because even though I try to be cool in these situations, I am still the dorky lady with all those kids who lives down the street. Some of the kids were all over it, others gave me piercing “why are you here, don’t defile our awesome park” looks. I snapped just a few shots and left quickly.

Sadly, just yesterday there was an altercation, and somebody’s mother (I know, I know) came back with a gun, dropped it in the scuffle, a skater kid picked it up and brought it to an adult. He was hella brave. All of this is unusual for my neighborhood. Tensions are running high so it seemed so appropriate that my photo lab called to say my order was ready all on the same day.

I had ordered a few of the shots in 8×10’s and had them matted for the kids. We don’t know each other but they do know what I look like, I hope it still counts for semi-anonymous kindness. I left them on their ramps to find when they get home from school today.

I’m always amazed by the timing of kindness…I hope the sk8r boyz let me take their pictures again some day.

*eta: I really never feel unsafe in our park…I think it’s just like any other city park. This was totally an isolated incident.

walking home from a friend’s house after dinner:

“Mom, I really like being part of a community…you know, eating together, living together in our neighborhood…”

Jack, age 7, future community organizer (or a very happy participant)

labor day weekend has been about…

saying goodbye
doing nothing for the first time in over a month
neighbors who share garden goodness, their porch and know just how to start the commune joy
the latest in swing excitement- the “together swing”
milk mustaches
learning about weird and very awesome plants
your first time playing chess, ages 10 and 35 respectively
the best weather reminding you fall is on her way

Cocoons are necessary, but wings are so much better…

There is safety in the box to transform into whatever it is you are meant to me, and there is time to try on and settle into your most beautiful self, but the out, the outside is where it’s at. Trusting in your ability and putting it all out there, come what may…gather your courage and do it. You have everything you need…

Been taking so many growing risks lately…and it feels scary and really, really good.

our family totally geeked out over watching “Mrs. Whittles” (i have NO idea where that name came from) make her chrysalis and hatch this week, the wonder of nature is never wasted on this crew. I think Jorge was the most excited. Fly on ole’ girl!

stickers… cards… t-shirts coming soon…I can barely stand it!