Kindnessgirl

The Giant Tree art by  Lillian and Stella

a gift to our family when we were all sick on Valentine’s Day

I wonder if kindness is like a giant tree, with roots so deep in the earth, lots of branches extended every which way, reaching to the sky, soaking in the light of the sun. It has been feeling like that to me lately as I had three different experiences in the last week where collaborative kindness came together, where people offered their super powers with wide open arms, where kindred spirits held the space for others to find their way, where I imagined and could see how kindness can grow in a new way.

I’m so used to merrily going on my way, just doing whatever kindness pops into my head, living my life in the fortress of my family love, holding my struggles close, relying on my wide capacity, believing that my “place” is in this one mile radius but a vast land in my head. I’m discovering that…

maybe we were never meant to walk the road alone

living this life side by side, leaning in, exposes the places of need, even the kind you didn’t see

it’s as if something is filled that you didn’t even know was empty

that you must be willing to share all the parts of yourself, even the ones you wish weren’t there

kindness work is meant to be shared (duh,right?), when lots of broken people offer their one true thing, we are whole

you don’t have to keep score, always reciprocate or in the same way, that kind of kills it actually

vulnerability, an open heart, need, being willing to receive unlock the secret to gathering a tribe 

there is so much more power in togetherness

togetherness does not come easily to me

all that is required is a call from your soul, people around you and a desire to connect

I feel like I climbed into the tree this week, and are swinging from the branches, sitting in the shade, worshipping the glory of the giant kindness all around.

::I so loved reading all the things you want, I’m headed out on an adventure soon to release some of my deep important requests into our world. I’d love to have you join me…look for an invitation soon.

art by neighborhood kids

As a little girl, I had absolutely no idea Valentine’s day was some sort of exclusive holiday. My mom would would make a heart shaped meatloaf and set a beautiful table with hearts galore, my dad breezed through the door with flowers in his arms for each of the five women in his house, my sisters and I hung brown paper lunch bags with each person’s name to be filled with some kind of cheesy valentine goodness. 

Of course, like almost every other holiday, someone or lots of people were invited. Maybe it was someone who needed a little more, maybe the boyfriend of the moment, but either way, the Hammond family love and kindness were a force.  Sounds dreamy huh? For all the other ways we were screwed up, this was something my family did so well.

It seems we are here again, I don’t have an organized mission in me this year… but I do have  a really awesome large square dining room table, a heart shaped bundt pan,  lots of little children who adore tacky anything, a kind neighborhood commune that are always up for whatever, and people all around to invite who have decided this holiday only exists for lovahs!

SOoooo, here are 5 ideas to reframe Valentine’s day and invite some kindness:

1. Valentine yourself– Think of three things you never, ever do or buy for yourself. Do them and then do the same for a friend.

2. Invite the Family Love– Invite family magic by inviting the love. One year every person in the family picked one thing they love to eat and we made the weirdest dinner combo you have ever seen. It was a lot of foods on stick if I remember correctly. By going full family with every detail, we went beyond couple love. There was a lot more to share.

3. Pick another day– February 14th is one of the most crazy restaurant industry days of the year. I actually consider a kindness mission for all the dishwashers in America every February. Pick the 11th, the 22nd, another day to celebrate love, especially if you have a bad association with the day, but by all means, don’ t let celebrating love go entirely. 

4.  Go Guerrilla with your heart– Love Notes to the World, make your homemade doiley valentines or grab a pad of post-its, and start leaving your love all over your city for others to find. Maybe someone, some where is waiting to discover they are indeed loveable.

5. Choose to stand in it (this requires courage)- So often our instinct is to run from love, or hide, or be searching so desperately we may miss it all around. The challenge is to stand, quietly, soak it in from unexpected places or choose to believe in it or hold the space for someone else. Love is worth it…

I’ve been attending the school of hard knocks faithfully lately. I’m trying not to get all Annie dramatic but I have been singing “the sun will come out….” in my head on occasion. There have been lots of experiences in the business/corporate world where wearing your heart on your sleeve and seeking connection ruthlessly are not exactly recommended. I feel like I am in a completely different country and fully aware I am a tourist.

The heart and truth of kindness are the same, but I am discovering some times kindness calls for a certain strength, it is one I am very unfamiliar with. It isn’t gentle or tender, it’s honest and direct…. all new for my soul, and new for the professional part of me. I’ve been stumbling around, picking myself apart to death, trying a million different ways to avoid it, trying to figure out where I went wrong with the old ways, but truth is, it’s kind of how this thing goes.

Every time I think I’ve got it locked down, something new is revealed to me. The frames of kindness have no end and it isn’t always easy. The dark side of kindness, the places that show us where we have been unkind to each other, or to ourselves are often the most difficult to look at, but also so close to the deepest part of ourselves that are calling for healing, courage, redemption… love.

When we stand there, we can begin to see it, in ways we never imagined, opening doors we never knew were there.

her deep, deep eyes

I still have the metro ticket in my wallet. It is tattered and torn but I saved it because it holds so much for me. Two years ago, the kids and I were celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. by making a peace sculpture when we decided at the very last minute we needed to hop on a train and see a dream so many held for so long come true.

I took four little children by myself that afternoon to Washington D.C. to see the first African American man become President the next day. I left the boys and Lucy with my sister and packed up my 12 week old baby in a carrier close to my body and joined so many others. It felt like a journey and some day I will tell you the story of all that unfolded.
I met a stranger named Connie that had a profound impact on my experience and life. I felt things that day that I still can’t talk about without crying.

…but today I remember a man that held the dream with such honor, Connie who held my heart with grace and the baby who held deep peace with those same big eyes… feeling so grateful for them all.

A new level of crazy has descended upon me, crazy amounts of work, the re-entry after resting bliss is brutal, the juggle of 57,000 things I have going have been particularly bad. I’ve felt disconnected from my kindness work, which has me out of sorts.

I’m seeing amazing kindness projects pop up all around me, they invigorate me and at the same time also make me wonder if there will be any space left for the work in my heart to come. The good news is there is always a place, space, room for kindness, and I’m learning that more deeply everyday. Not to mention, it is all so deep for me, work/project/mission just don’t even fit anymore, this is life.

In this moment, I have some really good opportunities to provide for my family, to learn and grow. I feel this rise in me to seize them. It isn’t anything I thought I would be doing but all feel so purposeful and part of a bigger picture. One huge delight and passion in the middle of all the madness has been the launching of The Journey to Birth, childbirth education classes and a soul school with my dear, dear soul sister Melissa. A website is coming soon to tell you more.

Knowing how much we all need to tend to our souls, especially in pregnancy and postpartum, we are giving away a Mini-Soul care kit!

It includes:

Original art by me
a tiny easel
a votive
one good piece of chocolate
a $5 gift card to Starbucks

Friends far and wide, pregnant or not, please feel free to enter! Tell us over there, one person you are feeling some love for today and we’ll pick a winner tomorrow at 5pm.

May kindness find your soul in a new and unexpected way today!

“I believe in kindness. Also in mischief. Also in singing, especially when singing is not necessarily prescribed.”
— Mary Oliver

When you really rest, for two weeks…

eventually…

you forget what day it is
you eat and sleep when your body tells you to
you discover new ways to take care of yourself
you finally hear something inside of yourself that tells you what you might really like to do, to be…
you laugh and tickle your children more
you watch ridiculous you tube videos and talk about them in depth
you go to the gym, just because, not because you should
you let the dog sit on the couch with you
you come up with big, BIG, ENORMOUS plans for your life
you crave nature
you have more sex
you don’t do the laundry
you watch the snow fall
you take naps
you make recipes you find on the internet
you have a Modern Family marathon
you make lots of plans for activities you never do
you wonder why you didn’t rest sooner

you resolve that this is now a family holiday must…and start dreaming about the last two weeks of 2011.

I do this little thing, I police happiness. I have my entire life, hoping people are enjoying themselves, holding and feeling their emotions if they are not, trying to figure out how to fix it, make it right, and on and on…it is exhausting. Big family helps to cure this in you. It is just so hard to get 6 people in a good mood, all want to do the same thing, and enjoy themselves…all the time. I fired that officer, she needed to retire anyway.

I learned in 2010 that sometimes…

you are willing to do something for someone you love and not exactly be thrilled about it
you don’t have to be responsible for the feelings of the world
grouchy and sad are good, they show us what we need and help us grow/change
our highs are as great as our lows
when your 5 year old tells you “You are one grumpy girl”, it is so good to feel no guilt and even a smidge of pride/satisfaction
you can love your shadow side
we need to let all the parts of our selves out and be seen to be whole

So our entire vacation I have wanted to go hiking by the river with my family. There is a serious woodsy girl in me always wanting to get out. I take the kids lots in the spring and summer, it’s all very Maria Von Trap, if you will. I knew that the cold, dead of winter might be a stretch but I still had the movie vision in my head (like always), we all know the Captain was grouchy for like at least half the movie.

There we were, it was cold, the leaves icy and slippery, the river in all her beauty and parts were just lovely. However, I will tell you…there was some whining, a shoe in the water and even a very bad snowball-to-the-face incident, but I felt happy in my heart my friends. There is some kind of major freedom in letting go…and being deep in it all and yet be able to find your own joy, even in the grouch.

Maybe it was finally the end of nursing after 10 straight years, or a late night wrapping presents together (alone, together), or realizing the baby is less of a baby every day…but all of the sudden I can see the clearing. You never know what you are doing when you are in it, it is only about what is right in front of you.

We did that well, embracing life, whatever it was. But now that certain stops on our travels are falling behind us, taking steps towards something new, I can finally see all this partnership has held.

Fours babies, the MTV Cribs style monster bed for 5 or 6, 10 years of nursing, no family close by, financial struggles, toddler triumphs/trials, wearing babes or acting as human jungle gyms, their bad teeth (oh the dental bills/trips), family dj hours, blue guy games (wrestling), making entire dinners with one hand and a child on my hip, kindness adventures, long stretches of togetherness with little privacy, the joy and challenge of that, people throwing up on you in the middle of the night, lots of witching hours, not nearly enough babysitters, long hours doing manual labor to provide, 8 moves in 10 years, learning as parents, growing up, all of us together.

Wanting it…we wanted all of it, we chose it, over and over again….and somehow we found each other after each and every change. We keep finding each other, and I can’t really tell you how. I like to envision that we are always running to each other in a great field of flowers but I think at times it has been more of a crawling in the mud and collapsing when we reach hands.

And I see how surviving counts, how graceful it is, how something bigger holds you, how the clearing gives you space to turn around for just a minute and honor how far you’ve come together, to realize how much you now know and how much more you don’t, to let go of all that does not serve you, to feel how strong you are, to note how much you have gained from being vulnerable, to know deep in your bones that your path was just right even when you doubted, to discover there is joy in all of it.

This clearing feels so familiar, so close, so true.

art by stella

you almost always have glitter somewhere on your face or in your hair.
there is no such thing as trash, your kids bring home the foil to “make creations” that your burgers were wrapped in.
polly pockets are constantly sporting new clothes from various materials like popped balloons and green leaves.
you never see the top of your kitchen table.
your kids never match…and shockingly the control freak in you learns to love it.
someone is always coming up with an idea where spray paint is required…and hot glue…or anything else dangerous and exciting.
you discover just how many things can be turned into star wars and pokemon characters.
you always have something fantastic hanging on your wall.
there is always a reason to curse as the legos will never, ever, EVER all be picked up.
you dream of a bigger studio with dreamy light.
other kids are always intrigued by the access to forbidden things when they come to your house.
your kid declares herself a ketchup artist.
nothing is ever simple exactly, it’s almost always involved.
you have old lady hands before your time due to massive amounts of paint, water and glue.
it takes 3.5 seconds after you start your own art that someone decides it should be a group project.
you all kind of drool together in the art store.
everyone collectively feels a compulsion to make something almost every day.
your life is always kind of a mess.
you decide you couldn’t and wouldn’t want to have it any other way.

art is life, and life is art…

makes me want to do portrait work…Liam the artist.

I got to the oh-my-Lord-pulling-off-Christmas-is-so-much-work-and-no-one-is-helping place today. Bitter Betty and Mary Martyr took turns climbing on my back, carrying them around is such a drag, lemme tell you. 

 This is the exact time when you should stop everything you are doing, go on Christmas strike, decide it is enough, whatever it is, sit on your couch with a yummy treat, order dinner out, soak in a hot bath, leave the house even for just a drive, do some guerrilla goodness, do your art…or send your family out to get a tree.

They returned with the Charlie Browniest you’ve ever seen.  When the baby won’t stop singing Oh Christmas Tree, almost every ornament is on the bottom half of the tree, and you snap this shot of a Christmas kiss, your back starts to feel a little lighter…and you still need a break, you still need your man to pull out the last minute Christmas rescue, you still need that escape…but you know, somewhere in there, the Christmas blessing is still there,  meant for you.

raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens…   the sexy version.

There are just some things that get me everytime, we feel each other, pure goodness…like…

fresh garlands

deep red berries of any kind

the inside patterns of chopped up fire wood

the smell of wood burning

my new found love of wood stoves

tablecloths in pretty fabrics with fresh flowers/greens on top

mantles, all sorts

cool covers of old favorite songs

snow

more snow

light that finds its way into every corner of your house

sledding

sledding with your besties

white lights

strange things shaped into a heart

friendship cherry and apple challah

finger flashlights

strangers

…what gets you, carries you through the season, brings you joy?

“Does your head itch?” I said to Jack as I watched him scratch. I acted cool but inside I was FLIPPING the frick OUT.

My whole teaching career I had only one single paranoia, it was lice. I was the teacher in the forever slicked back pony tail, I knew the drill.
The last time the kids got it was years ago, it was in the dead of summer when we lived in the apartment we affectionately called “The Splinter House”, a gorgeous brownstone from the 20’s, with amazing architecture and probably hadn’t been cared for since 42. We couldn’t run the a/c units and washer at the same time so off I went with the entire contents of laundry in the house and three kids to the laundry mat.

Those memories don’t leave you my friends…so there I was, like a mother monkey, nit picking, literally, through Jack’s scalp last night while two lights shown on his head.
“Mom, I think this is kind of relaxing, you know? Watching a movie, you combing my hair, lice isn’t so bad I think.”

This is his father in him I assure you, who could also find the sunny side of lice. I was just thanking my lucky stars Josiah and I didn’t get it. The hair gods knew it would break me. My son with the shoulder length hair twice as thick as mine…thank you sweet Jesus.

Just as the last sheet was pulled off the bed, a transformer blew, *sigh* no power. No power at all. So I wandered and cleaned figuring squalor might have started all this in the first place. I opened the cabinet to put a pan away and there he was.

A small mouse.
Dead.

Lucy: Oh mom, look at that! He’s so beautiful.
Me: Luce, he’s dead!
Lucy: So, are you saying you only like things that are alive?
Me: Well no, yes, I mean…I don’t know… (as I scooped up his little body and put it in the trash.)
Lucy: I think it’s kind of beautiful.

Jack: He deserves a grave, I think.
Me: This trash grave will have to do my friend.
Jack: Okay, but I think we should say The Pledge of Allegiance…

Without even a beat, we put our hands over our hearts, hovered over the trash can… “I pledge allegiance to the flag…
…with liberty and justice for all.

Jack: Rest in peace, little guy.
Me: I hope you had a sweet mouse life.
Lucy: I hope your family will be my pets.
Lyra: Bye mouse.

The bag was tied and that was that…and the power came back on…and the Christmas of the joy of lice and the beauty of death and the horror of all the cleaning in between goes on… all in some sort of strange family bliss.

Lucy: You hold me and I’ll be asleep, and then you love me and take a picture of you, okay?

I loved her vision…

It was a photo shoot orchestrated entirely by a five year old. I looked at the picture on the big screen where every tiny flaw and imperfection on my face is wide and deep. I stared at the image for a bit, the photographer in my head thinking of all the tweaking that could be done…but then a wave fell over me.

All I could see were love wrinkles, the kind that form from deeply feeling whatever is in your heart, the kind that form from the courage it sometimes takes to express them, the kind that come from thinking too much, the kind that started from listening intently, the kind that grew from holding a space for strangers and those you hold dear alike, the kind that know what it is like to be healed, the kind that have known fear, the kind that believe love and kindess are the only answers.

…and then I felt so much love and compassion and pride for that face, for the story that it tells.

…and for the girl who insisted on capturing it.

The holidays are hard, even though we love them. There are money worries, kicked up family dysfunction, growing up again, making magical memories, house decorating, baking, cooking, wrapping, work parties, kid parties, light tours, shows, dressing children in fancy clothes, the feeling all of it must be done.

I wonder though, almost everyone I know has a hard time around this time of year. How do we get to that place? How can we hold each other and our own hearts with a little more tenderness this year?

Hence the Mother’s Holiday Survival Kit and a little Ding Dong Ditchin’…

The kit includes:
1. Chocolate- because chocolate is always a good idea
2. Emergen-C- because even mothers need a hella dose of C for a pick-me-up
3. Coffee gift card- because we need to feel like we can just do something small and indulgent
4. Scotch tape- because you can never find the tape when you need it
5. Tea- because we should all take a break for tea
6. Mac&Cheese- because there is always a night you just shouldn’t have to cook something real
7. Kindness Magic jar- special notes to fill your soul
8. Finger flashlights– because all children love them and they might give you 5 minutes peace
9. Felt ornament kit- because you always have to come up with a kid crafty gift for the grandparents and aunties.
10. Paper Bead necklace kit- because kids and grown women like anything in rainbow option, and it’s fun to have a wow project to pull out.
11. Soul Candle- a candle that holds all the burdens of your heart so you don’t have to carry them, for just a little while.

Christmas kindness is spectacular, we delivered a few of these bad boys around town. The DDD was eventful, as usual, there was a shoe lost for a moment in the getaway, but I am happy to report we stealthily got it back.

What do you need in your holiday survival kit? Please tell us… I’d love to know. It can be anything, really. Maybe you need to give a kit or get one this year…

…of required hat wearing…and the added bonus, sister love.

Things making me happy these days…

the thought of turning my berry pictures into a calendar…
how I love josiah’s hands because they remind me of my sister Kate’s…
just thinking about making fresh green garlands soon…
how Tangled made me weep…
the thought of being almost done with nursing and on to new connections with Lyra…
dreaming about all the cute thrift store dresses I’ll be able to wear again…
how to make spaces in my home beautiful and reflective of our family love…
how much my new strategy about complaining about working out all the time seems to be helping, strangely enough…
that an Ikea trip is in my very near future…

the abundance of life, no matter the state of happy, crappy, content, fulfilling, hard, easy…

Please tell me what is making you happy today.

We make them every year, it was a tradition born from desperation…

The best holiday traditions start by accident or out of a moment of required imagination. Years ago we hosted Thanksgiving in our very first home, a little green house on the Southside with a backyard full of trees and lots of charm. While obsessing over the turkey and trying to track down old family recipes from various out-of-town sisters, my two little boys were bored out of their skulls and desperately needed something to do. Even the 232 Scooby-doo episodes had run their course. It was time for a project…read the rest here.

If you want to make your own blessing boxes, here is how we do it: (p.s. they are great for any holiday!)

1. Get a lovely mix of fall colors, pick a few different shades of the same color. We chose these tiny boxes to paint.

2. I let the kids paint them but try to steer them towards using just one color at a time and then let go when I lose all creative control trying to remember WHY I AM DOING THIS! 🙂

3. I spend a crazy amount of money on ribbon because ribbon makes my heart sing. We write all kinds on blessings inside from kid simple (I hope you get a dog this year!) to super heavy deep. (May kindness find you when you need it most)

It is kind of amazing how the right person always gets the perfect blessing. This has to be one of my most favorite traditions, even when I’m tired some years, the kids always remember and require it. I’m always glad they do.

I am so thankful for this space to write this year, it has held so much for me. I often pretend no one is reading so I am able to write what is in my heart but the truth is, I feel your care and kindness…I know you are there, and thank you…just thank you. *sigh*

It was a breakthrough…you know those? When you are in so deep and thick and then somehow grace opens the door to show you what is waiting for you. We’ve been doing marriage funk, the kind of growing that is so necessary, the kind you insist of each other, the kind that is the most grueling, the kind you sit down for because you know it’s going to be awhile, the kind that is the only way to get to the other side….and you do it, you will do it, over and over again.

Don’t give up. Love always wins…or maybe we are the luckiest.